B.Kh .: The connection between the two partners will be successful if the wife follows her husband to his country, joins his language, his family and culture. When the husband follows his wife, tensions arise in their relationship.
If a man marries and follows his wife into the system from which she comes, then this connection will break. In such a relationship, both partners will not find any satisfaction. It can only be achieved if the wife follows her husband. This is the experience of my observations in practice. If anyone can give opposite examples, I will gladly listen, but until now I have never met this.
On the other hand, it must be borne in mind that the relationship will be successful only if the husband serves his wife. Thus, a balance is achieved between partners. All this is not just a theory, but you-I water from my personal observations.
Jonas: It's just patriarchy!
B.Kh .: You are wrong. My observations are not based on patriarchal principles.
Jonas: An American friend of mine lives with his Indian wife and her family in India. He is now sixty years old and he feels great there. Their relationship is the most wonderful I know, but at the same time it is a big exception.
B.Kh .: Okay, I take back my statements. (Group laughter.)
Anne: No, please go on! What you said evokes certain emotions in me. I would like you to share your observations with us.
B.Kh .: Don't worry. I don’t change my opinion so quickly, and I don’t always report everything that I know.
(To Jonas): As in all orders operating in family-system structures, in the area we are talking about here, sometimes, of course, the opposite dynamics is observed. This can be found in everything. Poem, it may be that your friend found the most suitable option for himself.
As for children whose parents come from different countries, they cannot choose between the countries of origin of their parents as if they are deciding "for" or "against" one of these countries. Children belong to both countries, although, as a rule, the father's country takes precedence.
Dagmar: In my opinion, this topic is to a certain extent related to my family situation. And in my family it turned out that the husband had to dig to follow his wife.
B.Kh .: When a husband follows his wife, the relationship between them is burdened and limited. However, “following your partner” does not mean obeying him. This only means that the follower of the husband / wife lives in the family of his partner.
Wasted love
Johann: I was interested in your statement that a wife should follow her husband. For two years now I have a friend in Switzerland, and we still have not managed to establish a really serious relationship and live together. It makes me very sad. Once I almost moved to her, but still decided that it was wrong. I kind of felt that it was she who should come here. I really want this, but I do not understand why we are not successful. Perhaps it's all my fault.
BH: Let me tell you something. Between a man and a woman, everything develops in the first fifteen minutes. If not, then you can simply forget about it.
Wilhelm: In the first fifteen minutes?
B.Kh .: Yes, in this short period of time all the rules of their relations are established between them. Nothing new will be added to them later.
Johann: Sounds very hopeless.
B.Kh .: It is better if you find yourself someone else. Some are still waving after the departing train, not noticing that a new train has already arrived.
Johann: I have the impression that I love this woman, whatever that love is.
B.Kh .: And she you?
Johann: I think so. But it is clear to me that it is very difficult and scary for her to express this love and put it into practice. I ask myself all the time ...
B.Kh .: No. You can forget about it!
Johannes: What?
B.Kh .: Once someone told me that he had three women in mind, and he did not know which of them he should marry. I asked him to say a few words about each. In the end, I gave him the third one. He wanted to know why I decided that. I replied that when he talked about her, his face just shone ...
(To Johann): When you talked about your girlfriend, your face didn't "shine."
Johann: But I know it happens to me sometimes.
B.Kh .: Some people believe that it is possible to overcome obstacles in relationships with the help of the power of love. They are sure that through love they can force fate to give them happiness, and if their love is strong enough, all problems will disappear. But they are wrong!
Johann: I am very disappointed with what has already happened between us, but despite this, I still have feelings that cause a "glow" on my face.
B.Kh .: You know, if it were, I would have noticed ...
What have I done to you that I'm so angry with you?
Jan: I am very excited and my soul is heavy. I would like to tell you about something for a long time. Four years ago I met a woman. But our relationship ended two and a half years ago. However, now I notice that this relationship seems to still exist for me. I continue to think about this woman every day. This very much interferes with my current relationship with another woman. I feel kind of attached to my ex-girlfriend, but I don’t understand why.
B.Kh .: So you owe her something.
(Long pause.)
B.Kh .: So what do you owe her?
Jan: I don't know. I only notice that I am terribly angry with her.
B.Kh .: Do you know how such anger appears? I know one funny expression: "What have I done to you that I am so angry with you?" Anger serves as a defense against guilt.
(Long pause.)
B.Kh .: Well?
Jan: Perhaps I "owe" her respect.
B.Kh .: In this case, this is not enough. Let me explain something to you. A man who is in his father's area of influence is attractive to women. The one who is in the mother's sphere of influence, they simply pity.
Anger as a protection from pain
Robert: I am interested in what you said about such anger. I see the connection between your explanation and my divorce.
B.Kh .: When the bond between two partners breaks down, they often feel anger instead of sadness. If both partners simply surrender to sadness that it did not work out, then in the future they will be able to relate normally to each other. In the event of a divorce, it is very important that both partners give in to their intense pain with tears. Many are looking for who is to blame because they want to avoid this pain. But the one who accepts it will be free in the end.
Restrained anger
Hartmut: I suffer from the problem of anger, anger and aggression. I don’t remember ever allowing myself to express my anger, anger, or aggressiveness.
B.Kh .: Very good! It is your capacity for emotional restraint, which is usually only found in alpha males.
Hartmut (laughs): Now the question is, can I also develop the ability to express anger outwardly, or find a solution to my problem, nevertheless remaining or becoming internally calm.
B.Kh .: I have already answered your question.
Hartmut: Then there's something wrong with my hearing.
About anger
B.Kh .: There are different types of anger.
First view: someone attacks me or treats me unfairly, and I react with anger and anger. Thanks to this kind of anger, I can defend myself and insist on my own. That kind of anger is positive, it promotes my actions and makes me strong. It is valid and consistent with the cause that caused it. This anger disappears as soon as it reaches its goal.
Second view: a person is angry because he notices that he has not been able to take what he could or should have taken, or because he did not demand what he could or should demand, or because he did not ask for something, what could or should have begged. Instead of insisting on his own and taking what he lacks, he is angry with those people from whom he did not demand it, or did not take it, or did not beg, despite the fact that he could and should have it from them. take, demand, beg. Such anger is a substitute for one's own actions and the result of the fact that they did not come true.... It paralyzes, makes us weak and often owns us for a very long time.
Such anger can arise as a defense against one's own feelings of love - instead of expressing love, a person is angry with those he loves. Such anger originates in childhood if it was caused by an interrupted movement towards a loved one. Later, in similar situations, childhood experiences are automatically repeated and receive their strength from that initial interruption.
Third view: we are angry with someone because we have upset him in some way, but we don’t want to admit it. With this anger, we try to protect ourselves from the consequences of our guilt by placing it on another. This kind of anger is avoiding responsibility for our actions in relation to others. It allows us to remain inactive, paralyzes and weakens.
Fourth view: someone gives me so much good and important that I can never pay for it. It is difficult to bear it, and then I defend myself against my benefactor and his gifts by reacting with anger. Such anger is expressed in reproaches, for example, of children towards their parents. It becomes a substitute for balancing "take" and "give", paralyzes and leaves a person devastated or manifests itself in depression - the other side of reproaches. In addition, it is expressed in the form of prolonged mourning and sadness arising from the separation or divorce of partners, the death of loved ones or friends in the event that we are still in debt to those who died, or those with whom we parted, in the sense that we should have taken something from them that we had a right to, or we should have been grateful for their gifts, or, as with the third kind of anger, accept our own guilt and its consequences.
Fifth view: some are possessed by anger that they have taken over from others and for the sake of these others. For example, if one of the group members suppresses anger, after a while another member of the same group (most often the weakest, who has no reason for this) begins to show anger. In families, this weak member is the child. When, for example, the mother is angry with her father, but suppresses this anger in herself, one of the children begins to outwardly show anger towards the father.
On the other hand, the weakest member of the group is not only a carrier, but also a target for the anger of others. If a subordinate is angry with his boss, but restrains himself, he often takes his anger out on the weakest member of the organization; when the husband is angry with his wife, but suppresses the anger, then the child suffers instead of the mother.
Often, anger is transferred not only from one “target” to another — for example, from a mother to a child — but also from a strong member of the group to a weaker one. So, for example, the daughter transfers the anger taken over from the mother to the father not to the father himself, but to someone else who is on the same level with her, for example, to her own husband. As for groups in general, the adopted anger is directed not at the strongest member of the group - the true "target" for this anger (for example, the leader), but at one of its weak members, who then becomes the scapegoat for that leader.
The carriers of the adopted anger are simply beside themselves with anger ... and at the same time they are proud and consider themselves to be right; but their anger and the resulting actions are fed by extraneous energy and someone else's right. Therefore, the carriers of anger remain weak, and their efforts are in vain. But the victims of the adopted anger feel strong and right, just as they know that they are suffering unjustly; however, they remain weak and suffer in vain.
Sixth view: there is also anger, which is virtue and action. It is a waking energy focused on finding a way out of a difficult situation, which courageously and knowledgeably directs the struggle against the heavy and powerful forces of fate. Such anger is emotionless. If necessary, the carrier of this anger harms the one at whom it is directed, but does so without fear and negative intentions towards him. In this case, anger is aggression as pure energy. It is the result of long exercise and discipline. Anyone who possesses such anger uses it without making any effort. The most striking expression of such anger is strategic action.
Caution and courage
Jonas: My name is Jonas. I am a doctor by profession, but I do not work in the field of somatic medicine, but I am engaged in family therapy. For seventeen years I have lived with a woman, but we are not married and we have no children. Now I am worried about the ambiguities associated with my parental family. When I left my parents at the age of eighteen and moved to another city three hundred kilometers from them, my mother fell ill with cancer. I felt some kind of connection between the two events, but did not react in any way. Doctors considered her case hopeless, but after three years she recovered. This year, for the first time, I received a call from home to inform me that my brother seemed to be out of his mind. My brother is ten years younger than me. Now, in this workshop, I still continue to observe and am wary of all your statements.
B.Kh .: Let me tell you: courage and caution diverge in opposite directions, like the two ends of a bow. Its bowstring pulls these diverging ends, creating the tension that causes the arrow to fly towards the target. Care alone will not create the necessary tension.
Jonas: It is not clear to me to what extent I am allowed to interfere with my family dynamics, given the risk that such interference would disrupt the stability of the system. I would like to set my family apart, despite my fear.
Arrangement: Son replaces mother's ex-fiancé
B.Kh. (To Jonas): Who belongs to your family?
Jonas: Father, mother, younger brother and me.
B.Kh .: Is there anyone else?
Jonas: My mother had one stillborn child, a girl.
B.Kh .: It is important for us. Where is her place in the constellation?
Jonas: Between me and my brother.
B.Kh .: Was any of your parents married or engaged to each other before marriage?
Jonas: Yes, my mother had a fiancé. He died at the front.
B.Kh: We need him too.
1 - first child, son (Jonas);
2 - second child, stillborn daughter;
3 - third child, son;
BZHM - ex-fiancé of his mother, died at the front.
B.Kh. (To Jonas, seeing that he is putting his mother's ex-fiancé in line): Your identification is already noticeable.
Jonas: You mean with my mother's ex-fiancé?
I can immediately form a constellation showing the solution to the problem, since in this case it does not present any difficulty.
Rice. 12.2
B.Kh .: How does your father feel?
Father: It suits me, but still, my wife's ex-fiancé bothers me a little.
B.Kh .: Respect should be shown to him.
B.Kh .: How does the mother feel?
Mother: I really want to turn around to see my ex-fiance. (Laughs.)
B.Kh .: Yes, this is normal. But the husband must come between you, otherwise your relationship with your husband will collapse.
(To playing the role of Jonas): How is the eldest son doing?
First child: Pretty good.
B.Kh .: How does the youngest son feel?
Third child: I am very excited, but I do not understand why.
B.Kh .: How does the deceased sister feel?
Second child: Good.
Mother's ex-fiancé: I want to get closer to the others, but I know it wouldn't be nice.
B.Kh. (To Jonas): Want to get into your place in the lineup?
(To Jonas, already in the constellation): Now you can tell your mother one very simple phrase. Look at your father and tell her: "He is my father!"
(Jonas laughs and looks at his mother's ex-fiancé.)
B.Kh: No, no.
(To the group). Jonas automatically competes with his father, because he replaces the mother's ex-fiancé. He is important to the mother, and Jonas replaces him in her favor.
(To Jonas): You told me that you went far from your parents' house. This is exactly what your mother's ex-fiancé once did. But if you move into the father's sphere of influence, you will no longer have to leave. Your place is next to your father. So tell your mother, "This is my father!"
Jonas (to the mother): He is my father!
B.Kh .: "Only he!"
Jonas: Only him!
B.Kh .: "I have nothing in common with the other."
Jonas (laughs): Yes, I have nothing in common with the other. He is my father!
B.Kh .: I would like to tell you a few words about those who are looking for God. You dont mind?
Jonas: No.
B.Kh .: They are looking for their father, and as soon as they find it, they stop looking. Or they direct them to something else.
(To the group): In this case, I immediately formed a constellation showing the solution to the problem. The more family constellations we have done in this workshop, the more experience we have and the fewer steps we need to take in order to find the right solution.
FIRST POSTULATE - serving your husband. Service to the husband, in turn, is divided into 5 principles of service to the husband.
To serve is to help him. It is said that a woman who has embarked on the path of serving her husband becomes absolutely protected from all difficulties in life, because a man is unable to abandon the woman who serves him. He is not able to cheat on her. A man is not capable of speaking badly about her, even if she has flaws. And a man is incapable of endangering such a woman if she really serves him. There are signs of female virtue. They form four postulates. The first principle is "very close and intimate." This means that a woman should be a very close friend to a man, that is, she should listen to all his problems, inspire him, in any case act according to his capabilities and always give him enthusiasm. We have already said that a woman has shakti, that is, in other words, energy. The Sanskrit word shakti means energy. A woman has energy, and she is able to inspire any man, especially her husband. Thus, she must serve him very closely.
The second principle is that she should serve him with great reverence. It is very important to understand that the more a woman respects, honors her husband, the more opportunities a man gives her to advise, the more he involves her in his inner life. Thus, the more a wife honors her husband, the more close and intimate he begins to relate to her. When a woman reveres her husband, she is very successful in communicating with him.
The third principle is that a wife should learn to control herself, even if there is some kind of misunderstanding. A woman may lose control in her relationship with her children, but if she controls herself in her relationship with her husband, her husband will protect her in any situation. The husband for her is the last resort, he protects his wife at any time. Therefore, if the husband has any misunderstandings, and the wife is determined to act in this way, then she will receive support and protection in all her affairs.
The fifth principle of serving the husband means that the wife should always wish him well and speak pleasant words to him. If a woman observes the fifth principle, she gets a very strong man's favor. If a man is rude by nature, his rudeness will not automatically touch her if she wishes him well and says pleasant words to him. Rudeness can touch anyone, just not her. He will be angry with anyone, be rude to anyone, sort things out with anyone, but not with her. Thus, the wife can use all the positive qualities of her husband in order to achieve happiness in life, and the bad qualities are negated by themselves by the strength of his positive qualities.
The SECOND POSTULATE of female virtue is goodwill towards her husband. This principle exists independently of the others. Each principle is fundamental, that is, having one of them, a woman automatically becomes virtuous in relation to her husband, and he perceives her as a person who brings him great benefit. Even if she is unable to serve him strongly, but is benevolent, in this case, undoubtedly, he will still consider her a good person and treat her well. Although the very first principle is serving the husband, benevolence is the second.
THE THIRD POSTULATE - a good relationship with relatives and friends of the husband. Observance of this principle also makes it possible to have stable relations in the family, because when strife begins in the family, then, undoubtedly, the husband's relatives and friends will help the wife to understand this person. Although they will speak from his position, they will communicate with her very intimately, just as they are her friends, and will try to explain why he behaves this way. And in the end they will make up.
THE FOURTH POSTULATE, although it is in fourth place, is actually one of the most important. This is the separation of the vows taken with the husband. A vow means giving up certain activities with the desire to achieve some goal. A person refuses to do something, or vice versa says: "I will always do this to achieve such and such a goal." The wife shares his vows with her husband, for example, if the husband says: “I will never eat meat food - it prevents me from getting rid of problems. I want to have a good mood in life, "- and the wife says:" I also want to do this. " That is, they take this vow of vegetarianism, which is very popular in India. As a result, the whole family becomes vegetarian. When they share common vows in life, it helps them a lot for overall progress, for good family relationships. People start to be proud of each other as strong people.
FIFTH POSTULATE - The most important element of marriage is fidelity. This must be taken into account, and this must be understood. Faithfulness means that there can be no question of neglecting marriage vows. That is, there are marital vows. We have already listed the qualities of a wife's character, which in themselves are vows, this is said in the Vedic literature. In other words, vows must be made and must be followed. But the most important element of marriage is fidelity. The main
a vow is fidelity. Therefore, spouses who take this vow undoubtedly achieve success in life.
Taken from the site "Lyubodar".
The first duty of a wife
In Vedic lectures, they constantly talk about serving the husband. Someone these words are very stressful, someone - intriguing, and many cannot fully understand: what is it? How should this very ministry look like in practice? In a modern family?
As a rule, our imagination imagines some kind of unnatural "servant wife", without self-esteem, nondescript, uninteresting, constantly serving a tyrant husband who scornfully looks at her and shouts. Such pictures are very fond of describing some "experts" of the Vedas, Oleg Torsunov, Olga Valyaeva, Ruslan Narushevich and others.
As a rule, service is presented as some kind of obligation, punishment, humiliating duty ... And it is very rare to hear that this is the greatest female happiness! That it has nothing to do with humiliation, and looks completely different from what is described above.
Moreover, the very essence of this feminine feat is not in external actions. And in the inner mood.
Outwardly, most married women “serve” their husbands on a daily basis. Without any Vedas. They cook food for them, clean the apartment, iron their shirts, wash their socks ... In some families a man cannot even pour tea for himself, in others he sometimes prepares a family dinner ... But more often than not, almost all household chores lie with wives.
But the family does not always benefit from these actions. Such service does not always fill the house with love. Very often, along with the soup, the wife submits her claims to her husband, very often there is a lot of arrogance, disrespect, and resentment in a relationship.
The essence of ministry
Indeed, not every woman is ready to serve her husband. This is more difficult than serving tea, making pilaf or cleaning the floor. But everyone can learn this art if they want.
From the point of view of Vedic philosophy, you should not serve your spouse for himself. And not for myself. But for God.
In all world religions, mention is made of how a wife should behave with her husband. Here are household chores, and reverence, patience, ... The Scriptures give clear recommendations: what the Lord wants from us. And we must follow these guidelines in order to please God.
Why is it so?
If we only focus on our spouse, we will be very attached to the result. Cooked soup - but my husband did not appreciate it. We washed the windows - no one noticed. They baked a big cake - the spouse didn't like it.
In such a situation, we can go off course. We don't have enough motivation. We can start blindly pleasing our husband's wishes in order to gain approval. This path can lead to the emergence of new grievances ...
If we shift the focus to ourselves, nothing will come of it either. We will only do what we like. And in any difficult situations, our ministry will take a completely different turn. We will be too focused on our mood, our interests ...
And if we fulfill our responsibilities for God, we turn our family life into spiritual practice. And we are no longer so moved by the assessment of others. Of course, we must take into account the tastes and desires of the husband. This is the responsibility of the wife. But we shouldn't depend on approval ...
If we serve our husband because we want to please God, to thank God, it is easier for us to forgive the shortcomings of our spouse, it is easier to show patience and obedience. If the husband is not a saint, he will regularly make mistakes. But this does not frighten if all our actions are directed to God.
I remember very much the story of Marina Targakova about how she served her husband for 7 years before he changed his habits and views. She served diligently for 7 years without seeing any result. This is possible only when you do not count on the result, but do everything for the sake of the Almighty. This approach gives unprecedented strength!
Relationships are complex. It has many very different facets. To build a good relationship with a man, a woman needs to learn to accept him with all his shortcomings and characteristics, learn to see the good in him, appreciate this good and be grateful for what he does for her and for her, even if it is shallow on the scale of the Universe. or is given to him very mediocre. You need to learn to listen and hear. You need to learn to forgive. And many more "needs".
As I mentioned on my Instagram, I have already had the opportunity to be the curator of the marathon for the book "The Charm of Femininity" three times (and before that I myself went through it several times as a participant). Who does not know, this is a book about family relationships, written by a beautiful believing woman, the mother of ... children, Helen Andelin. The book is a real guide to a happy life in marriage, which has become a reference for every woman who seeks to receive joy from family life, to be satisfied with family relationships, who wants to make her loved ones happy. This book has been in my library for three years now, and I reread it at least once every six months.
So that's it. As a curator of family relations marathons, I happened to communicate with quite a number of women with a variety of life problems and stories. With a very different path of life. After completing the marathon, many women, as a rule, were very inspired, discovered changes in themselves, and later in their family life. However, some have received and continue to receive very mediocre, almost imperceptible results. Why is this happening?
I dare say that most women do not understand the essence of relationships. We used to think that relationships are for fun. And only for our pleasure. We are convinced that a loved one should fulfill all our desires. If he does not do this, we are indignant, nervous, offended. The real essence of a relationship is not for a man to satisfy our whims. The real essence of relationships is service. For a relationship to be truly close, trusting, and pure, we must put ourselves in a position of service.
"Serving the husband" and "humiliation before the husband"
What is “serving a husband”? Aren't the concepts of “serving your husband” and “humiliating yourself before your husband” synonymous?
Let's first understand what humiliation is when a woman feels humiliated.
Suppose a woman learns to accept a man, to thank him for even small actions and signs of attention, she herself tries to do something for him. But he does everything out of hand. Not because you want to, not because your husband deserves it, but because "it is necessary." It is necessary for him to love me, give gifts and flowers, and not go anywhere. When a woman does something for her husband under duress, even if on her own, she feels humiliated. A variety of thoughts are spinning in my head: “Why should I clean up after him, wash the dishes? Am I a slave? "," We have a marriage of equals. Everyone has his own vision of the problem and is free to do as he wants. So why should I obey him and agree with his decisions? And in general, what am I more stupid? I have my own opinion, and it is correct! " etc. etc.
How is serving a husband different from humiliation? The fact that a woman does something from a pure heart, because her man is worthy to be loved, worthy to live in purity, worthy to eat healthy food prepared by her hands. Because he is worthy of respect. And because there is a lot of love in a woman's heart. Because her heart is rich. Because she is saturated with love and wants to bestow this love on the main person in her life.
Therefore, if you are working on your family relationship (or any other relationship) and you are not getting results, try to become the one who serves. Serves unselfishly. Not from lack, but from abundance. An abundance of love. Don't wait for your loved one to do something for you. On the contrary, anticipate his actions and strive to do as much for him as possible. Sincere, pure service to your husband is the secret of a happy family relationship. And when a woman truly serves her husband, she, by definition, cannot be humiliated. Quite the opposite. In fact, she gains power over her life and power over her husband. This is because true service relieves us of expectations of others and also creates the most sincere and pure gratitude towards us in those we serve.
I wish you girls to embrace the idea of service with all your heart! Serve and you will find that you are receiving significantly more than those you serve!
With love and warmth, your Polina.