It is always difficult to believe those who cheat and clearly do not deserve it, but in life there are many examples of how faith works miracles and saves even the most shaky relationships, making them really an example for others. Of course, all this is not achieved in one day and it is not immediately possible to make such a decision, but it is worth considering this approach, because making a decision on emotions is not the right path in life and it will not lead to anything good.
The article contains frequent problematic questions from women and answers them, but everyone understands that this is only a small part of what you can actually face.
It is worth describing your problem in the comments in order to get good advice and only then make a final decision for yourself.
How to believe your husband after his betrayal and betrayal advice from a psychologist
Regardless of what decision you make, it should be taken on a sober head, cooled down and calmed down.
Why did it happen? Maybe it's you, you stopped caring for yourself, stopped paying due attention to your husband, your head often hurts in the evenings. Try to get it out of your head, forget about it.
The husband, in turn, should envelop you with his attention like a cocoon, so that you feel the only one, the most beloved and needed.
How to believe your husband after cheating and not suspect him that he loves me
Calm down is what you need to do first. You need to stop thinking about it all the time.
Since you have decided to stay together, then you are dear to him. It is unlikely that he will run for another skirt. To stop suspecting, distract yourself.
Go headlong into work, find something to do, a hobby. In the end, the gatherings with girlfriends have not been canceled.
How to help a husband to believe in himself and his strength that he did not cheat
Adore a man, say how good he is, what a fine fellow. Remind me how much he loves you and you love him too, and what a strong family you have, what a wonderful future together.
A man should feel like a breadwinner, a master of life. Everyone knows “The wife is the neck, the husband is the head. Where the neck turns, the head looks there. "
A man must be sure that it is he who is manipulating his head and no one else.
Leave him the right to choose, because you have to become a fragile woman who you want to care for. In no case do for a man what he will do himself.
Natali.
My name is Natalya, I'm 41 years old, married 24 years old. I'll start with the fact that once again my husband
I decided to get myself a mistress. We have already gone through this and more than once four years ago he even left me for another woman, but after living with her for a month he returned to me how much effort and nerves it cost me to forget and forgive everything, only I probably know this. And only everything seems to be working out, we live as they say in perfect harmony and on you again, all over again and again. He got a new job and after a while I find out that he is in correspondence with a girl, he claims that this is just a correspondence, but I know that he cannot just have a correspondence with this and everything starts, naturally we started scandals about this ... In total, I still turned out to be hysterical and I can't pretend that everything is fine with us, I just want to live with a person and just trust him and not suspect him of something. And how to believe a person who betrays you all the time ???
Natalia, hello!
I would like to support you that your man loves you, if he comes back to you all the time. You are important to him.
But he also loves himself and therefore satisfies his needs through communication with women. Probably, this is not your fault, but his self-affirmation. Apparently, he cannot deny this. For some reason, you need to watch his childhood and relationship with his mother.
And how to believe a person who betrays you all the time ???
Yes, you can't believe him in any way. Until, at least, for a long time he will not be able to prove the opposite with his loyalty.
Natali.
4 years they lived quietly, just started to believe that the person had changed and he started again
Natalya, one day you should talk to him in a calm, confidential tone about your feelings about his infidelity, tell about all your emotions, feelings and prejudices, without blaming HIM. Look at his reaction. Try to determine if you got through.
Perhaps he will take something for himself out of your suffering, perhaps not.
Natali.
Already spoke like a person is not given to understand this, he has never experienced this
it is not given to understand it
To understand at the analytical level, he understands, another thing is to emotionally understand and accept for himself the rejection of other women, which is difficult. It is necessary to analyze his family history for this.
And you, or accept him as he is and endure all the dignity that would allow you to keep the relationship
OR if this is not possible, end the relationship and divorce. Right now, reading the last sentence, something must click in you, or you must not like something in my words, or some other emotion. Feel it - this will be the first path towards your decision.
Because we will not be able to change a man in this format.
Natali.
As I understand it, I have two ways to accept him as he is, and the other way is divorce.
Natali.
If I stay with him, can you give advice on how I should not react sharply to this on his betrayal
How to learn to trust your husband and not be jealous? Jealousy is a bad counselor and destroys even the strongest families. Unfortunately, there are frequent cases. What to do if the spouse asks for forgiveness and wants to keep the family? Should you trust your husband? How can you reduce the pain of cheating and restore your old relationship? More on this later in the article.
Why are there betrayals?
It is important in all stressful situations not to resolve the issue in a rush. It is advisable to be in solitude for a while. Find out for yourself what is the reason for the betrayal. Indeed, sometimes the wife herself can not push. Moreover, she does not even notice how she does it. Before talking about how to learn to trust your husband, give advice on this issue, we will find out the possible reasons for the betrayal of a spouse.
Let's take a look at the main situations:
- A woman, having married, simply ceases to monitor her appearance. Nobody asks for an ideal figure, but a weight of 100 kg is already too much.
- The girl ceases to monitor her wardrobe, hair. It is much more pleasant to live with a beautiful and well-groomed wife. For this, beauty salons are optional. It is enough not to walk at home in front of your spouse in a leaky dressing gown and disheveled hair.
- It's worth evaluating your behavior. If from day to day there are quarrels, reproaches, humiliation of the husband, then here even strong love will not save one from betrayal.
- Don't be jealous for no reason. If you arrange interrogations for your husband every day and are jealous of every skirt, then this may simply push you into treason. After all, sometimes men act on this principle: since the wife believes that there is treason, then why not. Then at least the abuse will be justified.
To strengthen feelings, you need to show your love and loyalty to your husband. But not too intrusive.
After assessing the situation in a calm state, you can give the floor to your husband if he wants to explain and talk. You shouldn't decide everything yourself. All scandals in the family are the mistakes of both. And treason is no exception. After listening to all the arguments of the husband, one may wonder whether it is worth forgiving a spouse.
Treason and forgiveness
Should you forgive your husband? How can you learn to trust your husband again? We will now find answers to these questions. Forgiveness can be resolved after private conversations. You should not seek advice on the side. This will only aggravate the situation, but will not give the correct answer. Remember that you will always have time to expel your spouse, but whether he will return later to the family is already a question.
And if the wife calmly assesses the situation, listens to her husband, behaves adequately to the situation, then this will only raise her in the eyes of her partner. After reconciliation, you can even arrange a short vacation for two. It will help you more accurately understand your feelings, understand whether it is worth giving them another chance or everything is already lost.
How to overcome the fear of repeated betrayal in yourself?
If a decision is made to keep the family, then it is worth figuring out how to learn to trust your husband again after infidelity. But first you need to learn to control yourself. After the betrayal of the husband, women often do not leave a feeling of fear that the spouse may change again. What to do?
- You need to distract yourself from these thoughts. If possible, you can start going to the gym, swimming pool. Visit your friends more often. Just do not start a conversation with your girlfriends about treason. This will only pull at the wound and will not let the emotions cool down.
- The best way out is considered or interests. For example, take yourself an interesting hobby (start a blog, go swimming, get carried away with reading literature), change your hairstyle, style of clothing. You can also do yoga. It helps to balance the nervous system and understand yourself. In general, you need to be cheerful and enjoy life. Not a single man will pass by such a woman.
- The stronger sex loves well-read women, or rather interlocutors with whom there is something to talk about. And it's easy to become like that. You don't have to read books for hours. It is enough to self-develop for an hour, at least on the Internet. It will also be interesting and useful in life.
- The most important rule is to love and respect yourself. If a person does not respect himself, he will not achieve this from others.
- Don't be jealous of your husband with more strength. On the contrary, you need to give him freedom. Better to let the spouse now be afraid of losing his wife, who not only behaved wisely, but also looks wonderful and does not lose heart.
- If you cannot cope on your own and it is difficult for you to psychologically overcome yourself, then it is better to consult a psychologist. With it, you can work out the problem.
It is such a woman who will attract more attention to herself than a lady who has neglected herself even more and is constantly depressed. At the sight of his wife's changes, the husband will be more interested in her and will appreciate his soul mate more. The fear of losing such a wife will push back the spouse's desire for treason.
How to get rid of emptiness in the soul after betrayal?
After the feeling of hatred for her husband has passed, a feeling of emptiness appears in the soul. This often manifests itself in people with low self-esteem. Therefore, before talking about how to learn to trust your husband after infidelity, you need to talk about how to understand yourself and raise yourself in your own eyes and the eyes of others.
- Don't make an elephant out of a fly. This is the most obvious sign of low self-esteem. Every problem has a solution. And instead of lamenting how bad everything is, you need to pull yourself together and look for a way out of this situation.
- You need to pay attention to all your victories and achievements, even small ones.
- Do not push away the care of loved ones. Accept it gratefully. Allow yourself to spend money on yourself (buy ice cream, a pretty blouse). Allocate free time, again only for yourself (watching a TV series, reading a book, and so on). You need to love yourself and enjoy even a rainy day. A happy person attracts the attention of others and appears to be a confident person.
- Find out your strengths and weaknesses in character. And try to get rid of your shortcomings.
- When there are days that you just want to cry or scream, you can take a course of sedatives during this period.
- When a feeling of emptiness appears in the soul, you should not clog it with caring for children or other people's problems. It is better to pay attention to yourself and your own self-development. Stop suffering and allow yourself to be a victim.
A woman who knows her own worth will never allow herself to be offended, where she will react wiser to her husband's betrayal and will not respond to her. After all, many believe that it is easier to survive the deception of the husband. Retaliation is the fate of weak people.
Figure out the relationship
How to learn to trust your husband? Before you start building a relationship anew, you need to understand that you will never be able to completely forget the betrayal. But why remember her every day? She is in the past, and nothing can be changed. You need to continue to live on, not upsetting your life with bad events.
Many women are interested in learning how to learn to trust their husband again. You need to answer this question to yourself, whether it will be possible to live next to your spouse, who has already cheated once. Otherwise, further married life will turn into a nightmare. It is also imperative to fully clarify the relationship with your husband. You can even shout and beat the dishes. Emotions must completely go out. Resentment should not be drowned out and accumulate from day to day.
When you shouldn't stay in a relationship
If the husband treated infidelity as an ordinary, everyday event, then it is not worth saving the family here. In no case should the spouse's misconduct be justified. Knowing this position of his wife, he will begin to walk to the left with enviable regularity.
Be friends for a while
How to learn to trust your husband? Psychologists advise, after the outburst of initial emotions, to express to each other what specifically does not suit the spouses. This is done so that there are no repeated betrayals.
But still, how to learn to trust your husband? The psychologist's advice sounds like this: if a decision is made not to part and try to start all over again, then at first you can just try to be good friends to each other. Also, you should not blame your husband after betrayal for all mortal sins. Don't forget that the decision was made together. Therefore, one should try not to remember the past.
The decision was made to keep the family. What can you do to strengthen your relationship?
To strengthen them, you need to try to spend more time together. If vacation is not planned in the near future, then you can spend evenings and weekends together. During this time, new positive traits may be discovered in the husband.
Of course, from time to time memories of treason will slip through. Especially at first. Better to try not to re-start conversations on this topic. And the spouse may just get tired of such conversations. Then the family will fall apart.
If you do not know how to learn to trust your husband again, then remember that the most ideal option is to cross out the past. You need to start your married life anew. But try not to make mistakes that could serve as a betrayal of her husband. Ideally, you can have a honeymoon.
Accept your husband's apology
This will help you further in the relationship. If you don't know how to learn to trust your husband again, first learn to accept your spouse's apology. They can be expressed by the usual help with the housework, flowers, walks in the evening city. The spouse sometimes feels much worse than the cheated wife. It can be much harder for him. After all, it was he who almost destroyed the family. After reconciliation, it is worth living in the present and not looking at past grievances. Forgiveness and understanding of her husband's betrayal, wise decision-making is the lot of strong women.
Cheating in the family, unfortunately, is quite common. And only a wise and intelligent woman can keep the family together. And often betrayal only strengthens the family. After all, the wife then grows in the eyes of her husband. He begins to be proud of his chosen one. And the wife begins to look at her husband in a different way. And she often begins to see those advantages that she did not notice before.
Conclusion
Now you know how to learn to trust your husband. And if a decision is made to forgive a spouse, to keep the family, then these tips given in the article will help any woman to cope with infidelity, look wise after making a decision, and also become more beloved and desirable for her husband.
Trust in a husband after his betrayal: are there any guarantees against relapse? In my psychologist's office, the question sounds every day: “Do you think, after my husband’s betrayal and reconciliation with him, can be sure that we have really saved the family forever? Is there any guarantee that my husband understood everything, made the right conclusions for himself and will never again hurt me with betrayal or leaving the family? "
As an experienced and honest professional, I frustrate women by telling them that, unfortunately, there is no one hundred percent guarantee against repeated cheating. I will say more: in my practice, hundreds of times it happened that the same women committed adultery, who, having gone through the betrayal of their husband and returning him to the family according to my methods, who took oaths of eternal fidelity from him, after months or years themselves came across on their own treason. And their own shocked husbands came to me for consultation. And many times it happened that even in the process of reconciliation of a couple, where there was a betrayal of the husband, and the wife angrily branded him "doggy and invincibility", it suddenly became clear that she herself has a lover, and her own connection arose even earlier than the connection husband.
Thus, without firm guarantees against female infidelity, it is difficult for me to promise someone protection from repeated male infidelity. Moreover, given the fact that in the brain of sexually active men, in principle, there are no protective devices against female sexual manipulation. Nature simply did not foresee them. Because if men had the gift to calmly observe how interesting women give them sexual appeals specifically, then humanity would have died out long ago.
Nevertheless, without at least some hopes for a bright future, a person cannot live, will not have the motivation to keep a family, and will not be able to communicate correctly. So what can we advise those women who, having saved their family after infidelity, and for the sake of this somewhere, even stepping over their principles, still strive to understand: “Is there any hope of excluding recurrence of infidelity on the part of the husband, and if there is, then what exactly does this need to be done in the family? Is it possible to trust that unfaithful husband who seems to have declared that he wants to keep the family? How long can its correctness be enough? "
I answer as clearly as the question was clearly formulated. Moreover, the scheme in this case is simple. To paraphrase the well-known saying that “everything is ingenious is simple!” I will put it this way:
All ingenious is simple!
Everything genital is as easy as shelling pears! "
You will see for yourself in this now. According to my professional observations, the formula for trusting a man is as follows:
“The presence of past betrayals + The duration of the revealed love affair + The amount of financial investment of the husband in his mistress + The fullness of remorse and parting with his mistress + the absence of harmful addictions in the man + the correctness of his wife’s behavior after reconciliation with her husband + the presence of large joint goals in the family + transparency of the life of the spouses + completeness mutual control of spouses.
Now I will decipher this formula.
- "The presence of past betrayals." If your husband is not the first time caught in adultery, it is quite obvious that he will have much less faith than if it were the first and only episode in the history of your marriage. If your husband systematically gives you reasons for jealousy, you do not need to nourish any special illusions: if everything is sad according to the following criteria, you can forget about the guarantees of a quiet family life.
- "The duration of the revealed love affair." If the "left" connection of your husband was of a one-time nature (such as intimacy on a business trip or drunk at a corporate party or at the dacha of friends) or lasted only a few months, then there is a great hope that these relations themselves will be severed forever, and your husband himself will not managed to get used to the regular conduct of a "double" life. If the betrayal has lasted for a year, or in general - for several years, then everything is much worse. First, from the point of view of a family psychologist
Cheating for many years is essentially a second family,
that is, in fact - a secret civil marriage.
Accordingly, it is very difficult to break off such relationships, which are filled not only with sex, but also with travel, communication, plans, mutual care and the same mutual obligations. And no matter how the caught red-handed husband himself declares his readiness to “forget everything in the interests of preserving a legitimate family,” I personally always warn wives that the possibility of restoring this connection may not persist for several years. That is, until the given woman-lover herself marries and / or gives birth from another man. Thus, she will lose her feminine motive for reestablishing connection with your husband. But, if she cannot get married or this marriage turns out to be unsuccessful for her, clouds may again gather over your family. That is why, in especially difficult cases (with a high threat of relapse), I directly advise wives to find an opportunity to move with the husband returned to the family to other cities, regions or even countries. Or develop schemes for how it is profitable to marry a former mistress. Or use other techniques.
Secondly, the principles of the conditioned reflex of Pavlov's dog have not yet been canceled. A man who, over the years, has become accustomed to a secret life and receiving sexual pleasures in such a tickling format, will most likely strive to restore such a habitual and comfortable lifestyle for his pride, simply changing his left-handed girlfriends, mercilessly surrendering to his wife and changing "To someone else. Once launched, a cyclical carousel usually stops after 45-50 years, when a man's libido gradually begins to decrease, and his brain is finally more mature.
Increasing the family decency of a man
usually coincides with a decrease in its potency.
Therefore, when it is clearly known that the husband's love affair on the side lasted three to five years, there are usually no easy victories. Except for those cases when on the wife's side, objectively, the mistress herself turns out to be, who has run out of patience and who herself harshly dismissed the lover who was sweeping between the women in panic, who was unable to immediately choose one of them. If a long-term mistress in every possible way emphasizes her readiness to wait even until retirement (especially, now noticeably delayed) and accept a man who has returned to the family anytime, it is very difficult to talk about a big credit of trust in such a husband. Here you need an eye and an eye.
- "The amount of financial investment of a husband in his mistress." If, having learned about her husband's betrayal, the wife also revealed the notorious "elements of a sweet life", i.e. his significant costs for this connection (expensive gifts, foreign travel, payment for expensive plastic surgeries and elite fitness, donated cars and assistance in purchasing housing, etc.), one must soberly understand: the man himself will be very sorry to lose his investment and his It will be psychologically very difficult for a mistress to part with such a generous sponsor, who made life noticeably easier and more prosperous.
Generous men do not lie on the road.
They lie in the beds of those women in which they invest.
Former generous men who have already been milked are lying on the road.
Therefore, knowing that the husband generously invested in his mistress, the wife should be prepared for a very long and careful observation of his behavior after returning to the family. Because:
A woman is able to refuse to communicate with a generous man
only having met either an even more generous man, or the same,
but who is either not married or leaves his wife more quickly.
- "The fullness of repentance and parting with his mistress." If, after revealing his wife's infidelity, the man quickly made a fundamental decision, quickly informed his mistress about the final breakdown of the connection, he also quickly radically restructured his life schedule in such a way as to completely exclude both personal contacts with her and telephone communication for any reason, then this is good news for a wife. Such men, most often, in fact, in the future make the correct family conclusions and remain faithful to their wife. If a man for weeks and months, like a mantra, repeated that he was "confused" and rushed between women, if he continued to work together with his mistress or began to creatively find any "things" and reasons for communicating with her (such as help, counseling, etc.) if he never told his wife the details of the relationship and did not reveal the identity of his mistress, many such men are a "time bomb" that very often explodes again and again. And the battle of the wife for the husband flares up again and again, and every battle that seems to the wife to be “general” and “brilliant”, again turns out (based on the aphorism of this article), alas, again to be regular and genital. So, consider:
The fullness of future trust depends on the fullness of past repentance.
- "The man has no harmful addictions." Everything is simple here. Alcoholics, drug addicts and gambling addicts, i.e. men who are unable to properly control their emotions and actions, themselves cannot guarantee that their marital position is firm. And after drinking alcohol, such men often "break down" and start calling and writing emotional love messages to their "ex". Or I’ll get drunk to go to my former mistresses from my wife, and when I come to myself, I’ll go back to my wife in shame and beg for another forgiveness. Men without harmful addictions, although they can also break down, nevertheless, do it at times less often.
- "The correctness of the wife's behavior after reconciliation with her husband." If the wife, considering it right for herself to ask and return the unfaithful husband to the family, did five things:
- I analyzed my female mistakes well and managed to correct them;
- provided her husband with quality sex, interesting communication, delicious food and home comfort, shared his hobbies with him and got along with his environment;
- managed to become a really attractive woman (and not only like herself and close friends);
- did not humiliate herself, showed firmness and was able to force her husband to repent and give guarantees of her loyalty in the future;
- created a psychologically easy atmosphere in the family by not reproaching her husband for the mistakes he made in the past.
... then the husband with a high degree of probability will receive in the family exactly what he was looking for on the side. If the wife could not realize one of this, the husband can again start looking to the left ...
- "The presence of great common goals in the family." It is not enough to keep the family and defend it from the applicants. It is important to save it for something. I emphasize, not only for someone - meaning the interests of the material support of the wife and children herself, but also for something. The family as a whole, that is, both spouses should have some big joint goals and plans for the years ahead. If tact plans were worked out and accepted by both partners, or the wife not only shared her husband's plans, but also became involved in their active implementation, then the husband will clearly be faithful and he can be trusted. Because by betraying his wife, thereby he will betray his own interests. Smart men usually don't make such mistakes. If, for the common goals of the family, a void gapes, or the wife does not share the really significant goals of her husband, it makes no sense to talk about trust. The husband will still look for a soul mate on the side and, most likely, will find it. Or the one that seems so.
- "The transparency of the life of the spouses." After the reconciliation of the spouses, it is important for them to synchronize their lives, to build schedules for their work and their leisure time, with an emphasis on maximum compatibility and transparency. Codda's spouses always know who is doing what, with whom they communicate, how much they earn, where they spend their money, and - most importantly, they strive to be together as much as possible.
If you wish, you can be close to a loved one at a distance,
if you do not want to, you can be distant to each other, lying in the same bed.
Only complete transparency helps to create the very feeling of trust and is the shortest path to mutual trust in a couple.
- "Completeness of mutual control of spouses." Here we are talking about the fact that spouses have every right to call each other at any time (preferably by video call), use each other's mobile phones, tablets and computers, know passwords from all accounts in each other's social networks, etc. If, after the husband's betrayal and reconciliation, the husband and wife gave such a right to each other, trust almost always returns, and relapses of betrayal are extremely rare. If the spouses did not receive such a right and a "gray zone" is still preserved in their communication, then the most notorious "personal space", sooner or later, betrayal will come again. It is important to understand that from an opaque "gray zone" in life to a "black hole" in relationships is one step.
Personal space in the family - this "black hole"
which will gradually destroy first mutual trust
between spouses, and then the family itself.
Now you know the formula in which there are as many as nine terms. I cannot cover the whole infinite fullness of life, but I can say that in those couples where there is a positive situation in at least six of the nine terms, most often the spouses successfully restore both the family and the trust in the family, betrayal will bypass them in the future. If the negative situation turns out to be in more than three terms, trust is restored long and hard, and the risks of relapse, unfortunately, are high.
All of the nine points are very important. But the following are especially important:
- The fullness of remorse and parting with his mistress
- The man has no harmful addictions
- The correctness of the wife's behavior after reconciliation with her husband
- Transparency of spouses' life
- Completeness of mutual control of spouses.
These points are usually the key ones. It is on them that a woman needs to concentrate, it is in them that complete victory should be achieved.
If this article is read by a woman who, fortunately, has passed the situation with her husband's infidelity, taking these factors into account can help to build family life so that there will never be any betrayal in it. Proactive actions are always more effective than subsequent ones. This principle has not been canceled.
In more detail about the topics raised in this article, I talk in such books as "How to Strengthen Your Marriage", "Seven Shakes", "If your husband has changed or left, and you want to return him back to your family", "Quarrels around sex" ... I highly recommend reading them.
If you need the help of a psychologist in overcoming the crisis in your family life, I will be glad to try to help you during a personal or remote online consultation. The terms of the consultation are described on my website. On it you can also find my books and articles that may be useful for improving your life. Sign up for a consultation by phone: +79266335200.
Respectfully yours, psychologist, professor Andrey Zberovsky.