Good day! Problems with mother. Frequent psychos, tantrums to the point of suicidal desire or doing harm to themselves (may deliberately cut themselves and will look at the opponent so that he feels guilty). Psychos for no reason. I went through a psychotherapist on my own and regularly keep in touch and she confirms that this is not normal and she needs a specialist herself. Every day it gets worse. She also doesn’t remember much and exactly what she did dirty tricks. It can spoil things, rearrange / shift, hide and make yourself a good boy, they say it's not her. There were attempts to move away, she found people to make her a key, or you tried to break the door and could come at any moment and just start poisoning life. The family also has an older sister, with her the same way. We don't know what to do. I am a single mother, but I do not need her help, I can cope with everything. She also happens on this score, and she finds other 20,000 reasons to psychologically hunt me, and her husband (dad), and sister, and other acquaintances, relatives. Nobody wants to see her and take her into their home. There were attempts to drag him to the doctor, both in a mild form and not. Sometimes she lets it go, and at these moments she has a consumer crisis: she tries to buy everything she likes, they say it seems easier for her, but it’s easier for about 5 minutes. Then she’s ready to destroy the thing she bought. Instead of a banal return. Dad breaks down and I understand him. He closes her debts and does not understand what to do with her. My friends say that most likely it is time to go to inpatient treatment in a mental hospital. I don't know, but mom. But it is very toxic and spoils everything and everyone. Itself on breakdown often (in 90%) because of it.
The first recommendation of a psychologist online
20-01-2020 10:23:33
“She herself is often on a breakdown (in 90%) because of her.”;
No matter how strange or inhuman it may seem, you, first of all, need to take care of your health and well-being, of your child. And, accordingly, most of the time and energy to devote to his family and his tasks in life.
You won't be able to treat your mom. It is in the competence of doctors. And, of course, your options are limited. First of all, talk with your father (as I understand it, they live together), so that he makes the decision - persistently suggest that my mother be observed by a psychiatrist, receive adequate treatment, and support her. Well, in case of force majeure (in one form or another of a threat to life), contact an ambulance of psychiatry, decide on treatment in a hospital.
If there is no respect from a husband and a seemingly loving man, what to do and how to be in a similar situation? Some tips are given in this article, and the rest can be obtained by leaving your story in the comments.
The husband does not respect my parents, relatives, mother, my work, my opinion, my interests, feelings, girlfriends and friends
If the husband does not respect your parents and relatives, talk, say that they do not need his love, but he is obliged to respect them. It was these people who gave you education, raised you. If he doesn't stop insulting them, threaten to leave. If it doesn’t help, you can go to the extreme measure, ask the mother-in-law to talk to him.
Doesn't respect your work, stop doing something. If you don't like how the floors were washed, don't wash them.
If you don't appreciate the time spent in the kitchen, take care of yourself. In order for the husband to respect, it is not necessary from the very beginning of the relationship to creep in front of him, go on about. The mistake has already been made, then start defending your opinion in small steps. You don't have to be the perfect wife. The same goes for interests and feelings.
Does not respect your girlfriends and friends, take a closer look at them, maybe they really do not suit you. Sometimes we get used to people and stop noticing many shortcomings that can have a bad effect on us. If the girlfriends are ideal and there is nothing to complain about, let the husband justify the reason for the hostility, figure it out together.
What to do if the husband does not respect and insults, is rude, humiliates and is not afraid to lose, calls names, I sit roaring, I don’t know why
You are to blame for all this, you gave him a reason to behave this way. Stop pleasing, enjoy your life. Do not answer rudeness with rudeness. During insults, do not listen to him or say that the conversation is over, you are uncomfortable listening to this.
The guy does not respect the pregnant woman on maternity leave signs and how to behave
The guy will begin to be contemptuous of appearance, clothing. Can laugh. He constantly corrects, points out that you are behaving incorrectly, you are not talking like that. He does not listen to your opinion, does not ask how you are doing.
Interrupts, does not allow to speak. If desired, he may not spend the night at home, without even warning you about it.
It will take time to correct the situation. First, talk, make it clear that such a relationship does not suit you. You are ready to go to radical methods, divorce.
Husband says he doesn't love, but respects what it means
Perhaps this means that passion and desire have cooled down. It is worth considering whether you need such a relationship.
Soon he will declare that he has found the one he loves, but does not respect.
A husband does not respect his wife, it is worth breaking off relations, getting divorced advice from a psychologist
It's not worth it, it's better to try to gain respect. Prove that you are to be reckoned with. Most likely, you yourself are to blame for disrespect for you, humiliating yourself or running after your spouse. Forgiving and allowing more than you can.
Husband does not respect wife's child from first marriage
This is a serious argument for parting, if the child himself does not provoke such an attitude. For example, a teenager can drive any adult to extreme measures. In the case when the child is small, tell your husband that the child comes first for you. Respecting you, should respect your child.
1 comment
if a husband does not respect and does not appreciate his wife, how to behave seems to be clear only in practice, relationships are always very difficult (((
Question to the psychologist:
Good day! Please help me understand if I am right that I think that my husband does not respect me without respecting my parents? This has been going on for a long time, I have been married for 8 years. For some reason, often when we quarrel, the husband begins to switch to the personalities of my parents in a quarrel. Either my dad is not like him, then my mom. It hurts for my parents, they gave me life, education, they respect my husband, they always collect food for us, help us out with money when we have financial problems, they are always ready to help. I want to say that my parents are elderly, now 70 years old. When my dad calls my husband, my husband doesn't pick up the phone. Doesn't want to talk. Papa is offended, he began to feel it, that they simply don’t want to talk to him, I start a conversation with my husband, why is he like that, he says that my dad is talking nonsense and he doesn’t want to talk to him, and so we have word for word and scandal. The husband says that we quarrel because of your parents, your dad is sick. I tell my husband that we quarrel not because of our parents, but because of your attitude towards them, you do not respect them. He replies that he respects, but he has nothing to talk about with them. I'm in so much pain. I shield my husband in front of my parents that everything is not as they think. My husband does not hear me, he cannot understand that his attitude towards my relatives hurts me. After all, they are always ready to help us. Sometimes I think about divorce, but it hurts a lot, I became very attached to our marriage, but it hurts a lot. This quarrel every week, every. In addition to this, I am now having a difficult period, I lost a child a few months ago. Sometimes because of my husband's misunderstanding, I think even though it's scary about death. Because after quarrels, after a certain period, he begins to say how much he loves me and will not give me away, I feel sorry for him and feel sorry for my parents. It just breaks me. With a calm conversation, that his attitude towards his parents hurts me, that they respect him, how they treat his son, he does not perceive, he starts screaming and I scream and cry in response. Vicious circle. Moreover, I respect his relatives, I always smile and am glad to communicate, because I always believed that this is how it should be in the family.
The psychologist answers the question.
Hello Irina!
I don’t understand your doubts at all, since your family is a part of you. And indeed, while respecting you, the husband is obliged to respect your parents, whatever they may be, and whatever he does not like about them. Everything is pretty obvious here.
The only thing your husband is right about is that he cannot communicate with them at your behest. Even despite the fact that your parents often help and rescue you in difficult times, the husband should not feel guilty for something before them, bend through his principles and be grateful. It seems to me that by the good deeds of your parents you are blackmailing him and forcing him to communicate, which is fundamentally wrong.
It can really be difficult for a person to find a common language with your dad, there really is nothing to talk about, especially when they are forced to do this: even any desire to talk that has appeared disappears with an onslaught and quarrels.
Maybe your father calls too often and your husband gets bored with such daily communication about nothing.
The husband married you, not your parents, so it is quite clear that he is not very interested in coming up with topics for conversation every time. Calling a couple of times a month is enough, you can call your parents every week and be interested in their affairs, send greetings from your husband, but what does your husband have to do with it?
Quarrels, sobbing, divorce, suicide - to be honest, these are just your stupid reasons to make your husband do what you want.
You wrote that fighting every week - no wonder he's tired of "talk to dad."
Man's manifestations of disrespect for his wife can be different: he drinks often, raises his hand, can send a foul language, does not give money for the maintenance of a small child. In most cases, it is impossible to force a person who behaves inappropriately to listen to the reasonable advice of his wife. Such men - indifferent, selfish and often even family tyrants, who enjoy the suffering of their victims, can control their "ardor" and "temper" only under the regular supervision of a psychologist. For you, as the wife of a person who does not value and respect her, it is important to understand the reasons for what is happening and, most importantly, to find a worthy way out of the situation with minimal losses for yourself and your children, if you have any.
Why does a husband disrespect his wife?
Similar explanations of a man’s disrespectful behavior towards a woman are common in society: “brought it down”, “she provoked it”, “stopped looking after herself after marriage / childbirth”, “saw him for no reason” and similar standard phrases - excuses. First of all, you must remember that extreme manifestations of disrespect in the form of beatings and insults cannot be inherent in a normal man, even if the wife is wrong in some way. An adequate husband, if he believes that his wife is behaving incorrectly, should look for ways of dialogue or leave and file for divorce, even if his wife really "provokes" him.
In most cases, a man ceases to appreciate his wife after marriage, after the birth of the first or subsequent children. Moreover, the humiliated wives note that before the turning points in his personal life, he was a romantic, a good boy: he gave flowers, invited him to excellent restaurants, "carried him in his arms."
Most likely, no change occurred: the husband was originally like that, he simply did not demonstrate all the facets of his character, he hid it or the case did not present itself. You need to be a subtle psychologist and notice all the nuances in order to figure out a well-disguised egoist and despot already at the dating stage.
Causes of the moral tyranny of a husband to his wife
The reasons for moral tyranny in relation to the wife can be:
undereducation
Brought up in the tradition of a "maid woman" and a second-class creature, everything a man should and is obliged to: cook, wash, take care of children, always look cool and at the same time have time to work in order to develop professionally and the man had something to talk about with her except for diapers, even if the joint child is barely a month old. He believes that a woman who does not do all this according to the list should not be respected: she is a bad mother, a bad wife. That is, in such a husband, egocentrism and selfishness are laid down by family rules that existed in the house of his parents.
Hidden complexes
The complex of male inferiority, the complex of the once wounded pride make him assert himself, humiliating his wife. Perhaps his friends have more "manhood", perhaps the authorities run into him, but he cannot even say a word to his friends or boss in a raised tone, so he comes off on his wife. This is a weak-willed person, very dependent on someone else's opinion and easily amenable to someone else's influence.
Moral trauma of childhood
Your husband's subconscious may have imprinted his father's behavior in beating, insulting, or otherwise humiliating his mother. The situation is more deplorable if the mother at the same time forgave and endured everything, so your husband had an incorrect picture of "ideal" family relationships in his head. Maybe he was humiliated or insulted as a child by older friends, peers, or he was subjected to another form of moral and even physical abuse. Most likely, if there were no terrible childhood incidents, he would have grown up as a worthy person, but in this case the situation is difficult to correct only with the help of conversations and the desire to "not provoke" - a psychologist is needed here. Such a husband, by humiliating his wife, shows his importance and tries to recoup on a weak or financially dependent being, acting as a strong one.
In all three of the above cases, you are unlikely to cope alone if you want to re-educate him. This requires regular consultations with a psychologist in an individual and family format. The psychologist will understand the underlying causes of an acute moral crisis and indicate ways out of it, you will work on the situation together.
It is important that the desire to go for a consultation is mutual. If the husband is categorically against it, it will not work to force him to respect and appreciate you.
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Can a tyrannical husband learn to respect his wife?
- Alcoholism and drug addiction. This requires the work of not only a psychiatrist in a hospital, but also doctors. And in order to protect yourself from such a tyrant husband, you need to write a statement about him to the police or the prosecutor's office, having prepared the ground for leaving and the "alternate airfield" in advance. Remember that in a showdown with a tyrant husband, an inadequate being and ready for any baseness, it is useless to seek support by calling psychological help phones. It's only 02, no options.
- Schizophrenia, delirium tremens and other psychological illnesses and disorders. The same as for alcoholism - you can’t cope on your own, no matter how much you exhort. Moreover, it is impossible to achieve a complete correction of behavior even in a hospital: the disease can be drowned out only for a while, so the surest thing is to pack your bags and run.
If you feel sorry for such a husband and you think that he is a part of your life, then help at a distance, but save your children from living with a mentally ill person under one roof.
Do you want your husband to respect you
Husbands who do not have respect for a woman often choose girls with low self-esteem as wives, who are afraid to make decisions on their own, who want to be behind their husband, like behind a stone wall, and expect him to decide everything for them. Before seeking respect from a husband who does not put you in anything, answer the following questions for yourself:
- Maybe you should not try to remake your husband, but you need to leave and find a person who will appreciate you? It is unlikely that scandals and beatings will allow you to raise children as mentally normal people and form an adequate picture of the world in them, instill in them high moral values. Think about what is deposited in the fragile minds of kids, do you really want them, having matured, to repeat the fate of their mother - a victim or a despot - father?
- Are you sure you don't enjoy being the victim of disrespect? Yes, such a subconscious motive is also quite likely, although most despot wives will desperately refuse to admit it to themselves. Perhaps your mother has been a victim of domestic violence all her life, and "humility", "forgiveness" and "women's share" have been "inherited" to you. You experience pleasure when you are humiliated or perceive the humiliation of a woman as the norm, as a way to show virtues: humility and the ability to forgive a tyrant husband again and again. Therefore, there is no guarantee that, having left one despot husband, you will not find yourself a second one of the same kind.
- There is another hidden motive that prevents you from packing your bags and slamming the door - laziness. But laziness is not in work: you are not afraid of household duties. Perhaps you are too lazy to make decisions for yourself, because your parents used to do it for you, now your husband. Therefore, you don’t leave, because it’s so convenient for you, it’s easier to be a victim of disrespect: either your husband didn’t give you money, or he insulted you in front of everyone, or you “forgot” to return home in the evening. And the subconscious mind tells you: "Well, what's wrong, but he earns, pays the bills, makes all the vital decisions for the two of you, and if you live alone, then you will have to think about all this yourself."
7 ways to make a husband respect his wife
If you nevertheless decided that it is worth being with a person who at this stage of your relationship does not respect you, if you decide to try to build a harmonious union with him again, then try to apply the tips below. But first, think about whether you want to break yourself in order to seem sweet, beautiful and happy with a husband who does not put you in anything:
- Change yourself. Try to always look 100% for him. Create the image of a "dream wife": she never gets tired, she does everything at home, with a child and is ready to play passion in bed.
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- Change your relationship with your husband. Do not criticize, do not cross, do not interfere with his mistakes, blunders, do not accuse him of anything, do not tell him about your problems, about the problems of children, about what is difficult for you. Do not stop him, even if he collects the fifth credit in your name. Of course, if you decide to follow this principle of behavior, consider that you are no longer there. But it's your decision, isn't it? But the "husband" will begin to "respect" you ..
- Talk to a loved one who is an authority for her husband: his mother, father, sister, brother. Perhaps they will have a "preventive" conversation with him about behavior. But it’s not a fact that after that you won’t start to enrage him more, annoy him and he won’t take out his anger on you even more. In addition, relatives often take such people for granted. The mother-in-law can say: "Yes, he is like that, I understand you, it's hard ...". He sympathizes, but does nothing. Most likely, she is soft and weak-willed by nature, also "crushed" by her despot and boor husband, and perceives the "women's lot" as a normal phenomenon. Don't forget, she raised your husband!
- Talk to your husband directly, express in a calm manner everything that does not suit you in his behavior. Be ready to receive in response a lot of unpleasant phrases and a summary that you yourself do not really suit him. Probably, the conversation will end with a decision to divorce.
- Roll up a scandal to your husband in "hot pursuit", and it does not matter if you will be alone at this moment or with strangers. Say that you will not allow him to treat and talk to you like that, show resentment, do not forgive him quickly. Maybe he will draw conclusions and moderate the attacks against you.
- Go live with your mom, sister, or close friend for a few days or more. Let him stay alone, think about what he has done, let him return with sweets, bouquets and promises that such things will not happen again in your address. Let him know that one more time and he won't see you again.
- Become self-sufficient: a good job, housing. Yes, it is difficult, especially with small children. Ask your mom or sister to help you with the baby. You will say that you are ashamed to ask your mother for help, but think: it is better to depend on your mother in some way and be obliged to her than to endure the antics of a husband who does not respect you, depend on him and be afraid that he will spoil the child’s psyche. Having become a successful business woman, you yourself will surely understand that you no longer need respect from him, like him.
I don't know if my question has a biblical basis, but I have a misunderstanding. My husband is away for a while and I am taking care of our daughter myself until he returns. Sometimes grandparents come to visit us. My mother fulfills all my requirements in relation to the child and everything is in order. But on the part of my husband's parents, I get the impression that they have no respect for me. When we knew each other for a short time, they answered my cell phone when I was in the bath, they were indignant when I asked to wash my hands after the road before taking the child in my arms, they do not respect my privacy even when they come to us into the house, enter my room unannounced. Once they caught me while feeding a child, when I was half-dressed, like at home (in a public place I would be more attentive, but in my room, with closed doors, I was not careful), and also do some things that I don’t I agree and they do not care, although I asked them not to do this. Now I want to ask - is it called lack of respect for parents if I impose my views on raising a child? Should I prioritize my daughter's health or the fact so as not to offend them? Can I express my opinion, of course with respect, even at the risk of offending them, but not at the risk of offending God? I beg you to answer me, the atmosphere is very tense and there is a struggle in my mind. I really need advice.
Yes, this question has a biblical basis. But before I give the biblical reference, I want to say that I don't think your husband's parents are being disrespectful towards you. It is very good of them that they come to you and want to be near you. My guess is that they let you answer your cell phone when you were in the bathroom because they consider you their daughter and family member. So I don't see anything wrong with that, and I don't think you've been called by someone you don't want your father-in-law to know about. In the family, everyone trusts each other and there is nothing wrong if someone answers the phone instead of someone who cannot pick up the phone at the moment. I think that in the family of your father-in-law there has always been a relationship of trust and this prompted them to answer when the phone rang.
Regarding washing your hands before approaching your granddaughter, it seems to me that you are also exaggerating and fathers-in-law have a legitimate motive to feel uncomfortable and disrespectful of you. I don't think they came to your house with very dirty hands. Then of course they would wash them. And then, this cleanliness and exaggerated care when people wash their hands before touching a small child did not exist in their time. Also, do you know that these children, who were treated with such excessive care by their mother, then suffer from various allergies only because they did not develop the elementary immunity that every person should have. But then again, I was not there and did not see what the hands of your fathers-in-law were like. But even if it were necessary to wash their hands before picking up the baby, it is necessary to tell them with all due respect and make sure that you have not offended them. If you offended them, it means that you said something wrong.
As for the time when you were breastfeeding and your husband's parents came into your room without knocking, I think that this is something normal for their family and never bothered them. In this case, it is good to tell them about it, but again, be very careful not to offend them. After all, it's better to lock the door next time than provoke resentment in their hearts.
God teaches us in the Word of God to love one another and we find these words about the behavior of someone who loves:
Love is patient merciful, love does not envy, love does not exalt itself, does not pride itself, does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; covers everything believes everything, hopes everything endures everything. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
Like any person, you may wish that your father-in-laws knew and observed these words. However, I advise you to love them as they are and behave with longsuffering and mercy, God help you!
Translation: Moses Natalia