Hello! I have a very difficult and incomprehensible situation in the family. Mother-in-law problems. I married the person I love. The husband turned out to be a good father, he helped in everything. The mother-in-law, who lived at that time with her husband's brother, her other son, sold her apartment and gave him money for turnover in trade, and she passed to live with us.
On the very first day, she made a scandal, which came out because of what. Exhausted by insomnia, I washed diapers and prayed that the children would sleep longer, they still had to have time to cook, wash and iron dinner for adults. The mother-in-law, who liked to chat with her friends, just at that moment began to call them. I asked her to speak a little quieter, very politely, without any tricks. What started here! She shouted: “I am the same as you, hostess, and don’t x ... tell me! Raised children to milk my son, he will be their slave all his life! And the children woke up, crying. I took them both in my arms and began to walk around the room. In the evening, my mother-in-law began to tell my husband about me, crying that her life would end in a nursing home.
The husband, a gentle, kind man, at the sight of his mother's tears, began to get nervous and reprimand me that, they say, it was possible to yield to the old man and not bring the matter to tears and abuse. He asked me not to forget that this was his mother, etc. When he went to work, and I stayed with my mother-in-law and children, she, as I now understand, played her thoughtful game very subtly. She spoke nasty things, insulted. Looking into the pot, she announced: “Soup called b..evotina” or like this: “My g…o looks better than what you cook.”
In her room, she said something completely different to my husband, and loudly so that you could hear it. I knew that I would be angry with her lies. She said: “I don’t know, Sasha, I don’t know how to please her. I wash my dishes and wash diapers, I call her “daughter”, and she answers me: “What kind of daughter am I to you?” I swear to you, she never called me daughter. Only "lousy skeleton" or "zas.anka." But how can I be complete if I'm like a squirrel in a wheel, spinning all day with two children? Before pregnancy, I was fuller. The question is not even in my offense, what I am in appearance, this is what I am, but in the fact that I can be left alone with two one-year-old children because of her.
My husband has changed a lot for me, he began to drink. It is not clear where he spends the night, and his mother-in-law begins to feel sorry for him when he comes: “My unfortunate boy, they brought you, you are running away from home.” One day, the husband again did not come to spend the night. Having suffered with the children, upset by the absence of Sasha, I went to my mother-in-law. She lay with a cigarette and read a love story.
“Please, let’s talk,” I said. In response, smoke in my direction and silence.
- Nina Pavlovna, don't you really feel sorry for, if not grandchildren, then your son Sasha? He didn't drink at all before. So what can we share with you? Let's make up, I beg you. I love Sasha, I have no one but my family. I don't remember my mother, please replace her for me. You are getting old, anything is possible, I will never refuse to help you. Only you help me now. I'm on the verge, I can't understand anything, how I'm flying into the abyss.
This is where she told me:
“I will stand up to my neck in blood, and even if you give birth to five more children, I will not let Sasha live with you.
But why? What did I do to her? And how can I be? Thanks!
TheSolution therapist's response:
When your mother-in-law wove intrigues against you - this is sign No. 3 of Pathological deceit (deceit, cunning, intrigue)
When she said out loud to your spouse that she calls you a daughter, she treats you well, but in fact it was different - this is a pretense of feelings, in other words - hypocrisy. These are, respectively, signs #1 on the psychopathy checklist: (deceptive charm, hypocrisy) and #6 (Surfaceness of emotions, pretense of feelings)
When the mother-in-law said in response to your sincere request for help and reconciliation, “I will stand up to my neck in blood and, even if you give birth to five more children, I will not let Sasha live with you” - these are signs No. 5 (this is the inability to experience the highest moral feelings - compassion, empathy, regret, feelings of guilt and shame); No. 7 (calling, cruelty, lack of empathy, coldness, contempt, inattention towards other people) and No. 21 - thinking through and applying behavioral strategies to deceive and mislead Your husband is misled, of course.
When your mother-in-law insults you, this is symptom #11 on the list: Poor behavioral control (strong expression of negative feelings, verbal abuse, and inappropriate and unacceptable ways of expressing anger)
Your husband has the difficult task of taking care of his mother, who does not appear to be very mentally healthy.
It is advisable for you to talk with your spouse, thoroughly prepared, explaining the problem to him. Perhaps he has not heard anything about personality disorders and mental illness, and does not suspect that his mother's behavior is very deviant from the norm. And he may not believe in her ability to hypocrisy. Try to collect evidence of her problematic behavior (secret videos and audio recordings) to show her husband what is really going on behind his back. Perhaps he, too, will be concerned about the state of the mother's mental health and consult a good psychiatrist. You, as family members, have the right to write a statement to the district psychiatrist at the place of registration with a request to examine your mother-in-law.
If you read an article about it, you will see what happens, but there are psychopathic syndromes (similar to psychopathy), which are a mask for serious mental illnesses (for example, schizophrenia). Only a psychiatrist can distinguish this, and not immediately. Sometimes he observes a person for several months when he sees a borderline state between psychopathy (a personality disorder) and schizophrenia. They have different mental disorders. In any case, the aggressiveness of such people will have to be corrected with pills. And what tablets it is necessary to drink and in what situation - the psychiatrist can tell it. Find out from a psychiatrist whether it is dangerous to live together with her, what pills she needs to take with an increase in aggressiveness.
If your mother-in-law is diagnosed with a personality disorder, then you and your husband will have a hard time.
Psychopaths need compliance from loved ones. They do not have sensitivity, morality and morality, their goal is exclusively financial gain. In your case, you have to understand what is its material benefit? What does your mother-in-law really need from you? And do not rely on conscience, psychopaths do not have it. Psychopaths may harass loved ones for selfish purposes, such as for an apartment, registration, or money. If you say that your husband is soft and compliant, her goal may be to manipulate him. Maybe - to do so in order to live at his expense, expelling you and young children from the apartment after an provoked divorce. She doesn't have her own apartment.
If she turns out to have something like schizophrenia (or another mental illness from this spectrum), then she will need to be monitored so that she does not miss her pills. It is important to monitor this so that the personality defect does not increase and the oddities in her behavior do not increase. Perhaps you will have to deal with the issue of her separate residence (in a separate apartment or house) and daily supervision from your side and from your husband.
Good afternoon.
My question is as old as the world - the relationship with the mother-in-law.
I have been living with my husband for 10 years, married 8. The first daughter was born before formal marriage. Only three children.
Almost from the first day we met, my mother-in-law tried in every possible way to insult and humiliate me. The words "habalka", "came in large numbers here" (I'm not a local) "fool", "hysterical", etc. - this is even better that I hear in my address. "Hysterical" sounded at the moment when once again I was rubbing the countertop in her presence, quietly brushing off a tear after another insult. At first I tried not to answer. Yes, it was embarrassing and painful. Husband ... in my presence, I never heard the words of protection. He says that this is their (mother's and sister's) communication style, that you don't need to pay attention to it. I tried to help them. When they worked and did not appear in the village where we live, I looked after and fed their animals (2 dogs and a cat). With a third child, at the eighth month of pregnancy, and two not very big older ones, I walked along a rut in the snow, because. "The animals are not to blame." My husband was on a business trip. But this is really my opinion, the animal should not die of hunger if the people who sheltered them left. It so happened that all these animals at one fine moment moved to live with us. And then one day a cat comes from the street and I understand that he is dying. I grab, I run to the vet, but he dies on the way. I am accused that I "killed" him, that I "did not love". Again, everything was accompanied by rude words. My breast milk then disappeared. The child had to be transferred to the mixture. During the ten years of her life with her husband, she made acquaintances. Everyone unanimously says that this is their style of communication. That they just yelled and insulted each other. But I don't like that kind of communication. Over time, I began to resist, no, not an insult, but I raised my voice. The last "I wish you to stand ..., at ... (the second child) the eye began to fester ...". By a coincidence, three days later we had a medical examination (scheduled) by an ophthalmologist. And what? It's just that vision problems ... Accidentally? I know that she, even before me, cursed her son (my husband). I understand that you can't change it anymore. We live in the same village. Well, not in the same house. But ... I began to notice that I was “drinking” my husband “what did she say”, “when will it end”, “why does she hate me so much”. I'm afraid that the children we are trying to protect from squabbles and disputes will also start talking nasty things about my grandmother. How can I protect myself from her? How to restrain yourself and not show your pain and resentment at her insults? Tolerate? no more strength. Limit communication? they have the keys, they are used to coming when they want to, without warning. They tried to hint, to speak. Useless. They had it before me, and it looks like they are not going to change anything.
mother-in-law. Was married. When my husband was 13 and his sister was 9, their father, her husband, died. She was no longer married. Always worked. And then and now. Sister (1 year younger than me). I met a man 5 years ago online. His mother's condition for marriage was pregnancy. She got pregnant, they got married. Relations with the mother-in-law there also did not work out. Now the child is almost 4, divorced 4 months ago. I must say that by the time we met my husband, I had my own two-room apartment, a prestigious job, a good position and a salary 2 times more than his. Even when I worked between the birth of my first and second child, my salary and position were above. At the same time, they reproach me for not working now (the youngest child is 3). I want to take the kids and leave. Long away. So that they had to negotiate with us first, and then come to us. But the husband does not want to, he was born here. And I love him. All conflicts with him are only regarding relationships with his mother and sister.
Question to the psychologist:
Hello, I am 34 years old, I have been married for 5 years, this is my second marriage. The essence of my problem is that I am very offended and angry with my mother-in-law and I can’t do anything about these feelings, although I know that I need to get rid of them, because she is the mother of my husband, and I will have to communicate with her all my life. While my future husband and I were just dating, we had a fairly friendly relationship with my mother-in-law, but everything changed as soon as my husband and I began to live together. I moved in with him, every time my mother came to visit, she rearranged things the way they lay before me. She suddenly woke up with an inadequate affection for her son, at every meeting she constantly hugged him, kissed him, said "my beloved son, my boy." In my opinion, it was all very feigned, I understood that she was doing this for me, but did not pay attention until she began to cross the line. She could lie down in the grass and say: "Son, my boy, come with me to lie in the grass" or call me with my son (from my first marriage) and say: "Look how I kiss your dad on the lips." The peak was the situation when the mother-in-law, knowing that her son was completely naked (he was changing clothes, I told her about it), pushed me away and went into the room with the words "So what, he's my son." Moreover, it should be noted that the son did not react at all, he simply changed clothes and his mother left the room with a victorious expression on her face. He really could not explain to me why there was no adequate reaction on his part. This is mom, he didn’t want to offend her, but supposedly this happened for the first time. I was extremely unhappy then, there was a feeling that some kind of betrayal had occurred. It was then that jealousy and distrust settled in my soul, I did not want to visit them, I did not want to meet her at all. From time to time, the mother-in-law did not forget to me, as if in between times, as a joke, to point out some external flaw in my opinion, in her opinion, I tried not to react, but of course I got upset. At every family holiday, she sat next to her son, and she always tried to seat me further away. My husband allegedly did not notice anything, said that I was exaggerating or something seemed to me. They lived with it until I got pregnant. The reaction of the mother-in-law to this news is deathly silence. The husband again justified, well, they say they did not expect. During pregnancy, the mother-in-law was changed, she did not intrigue me, did not do me harm. I finally calmed down and thought: this is happiness. But as soon as I gave birth, the war began again, now for my daughter. The mother-in-law does not consider my opinion and does everything in her own way. When I ask you not to give her something to eat, for example, fresh onions, because. a child is only 1 year old or strawberries and raspberries, because my daughter is allergic to these berries, she still gives with the words: "I'm a little bit." I stopped swaddling the baby early, she believed that it was necessary to swaddle, and as soon as she stayed with her granddaughter, she immediately swaddled her, and once in front of me she simply put her hands into the sliders. When I said that I did not need her daughter's soft toys (daughter 27 years old), she still brought me a whole bag and took it away only when my husband asked her to. Every time we leave them, she tries to lure her granddaughter to her either by phone or by playing with water, as a result of which the child does not want to leave, starts crying and asks her grandmother. I get the impression that my mother-in-law just specifically brings me to negative emotions. After talking to her, I am completely crushed. The husband is on my side, but when talking, he always tries to justify the mother, no matter what she does. I tried to talk to her, asked her not to do this, everything is useless, for her my words are an empty phrase. Everything should be the way she wants. The mother-in-law tells us where the bed should be and where the sofa should be, what I should dress my daughter, how much I should give her to drink, etc. When we refuse to eat with her, she says that we have nothing to eat at home, although I always cook and clean, I never left her hungry, I always offer to eat. Her concern turned into an obsession. All this happens over time. Normal, normal, then - bam and issued! I tried many times to establish relations with her, but all to no avail, as soon as I start treating her kindly, I call her, find out how she is doing, she immediately starts to be mean. She listens only to her son, his word is law, but then she walks around and in every possible way demonstrates her offended mood. The last time, after another childish tantrum, I told her everything that did not suit me and said that I was a mother and only I would decide what to eat for my children and what not and what is good for them and what is bad, and she is like a grandmother can help me, but not make decisions for me. The mother-in-law took this conversation as a personal insult, because she cares about us and does everything only for us (she also has a younger daughter. She does not climb into her family). As a result, we have not communicated for about a month, but what is most terrible, I do not want this communication. As soon as I see her, it seems to me that my pulse begins to beat in my temples. I don't know what to do with it... How can I rid myself of this resentment accumulated over the years, of anger at her? I understand that my husband is suffering, he is rushing between two fires, this is not sweet for me either, but I can’t curb my feelings towards my mother-in-law.
The psychologist Bashtynskaya Svetlana Viktorovna answers the question.
Hello, Tatyana!
After reading your letter, I want to say that the behavior of your mother-in-law is really excessive for you. And you have been patient and silent for a very long time.
Yes, she fights for her son's attention, and she doesn't always do it appropriately or acceptable to you. Your husband was caught between two fires - you and his mother. It is difficult for him to admit that she is acting inadequately or too oppressively, as it seemed to me, he tries not to enter into confrontation. And for you it is as if he betrays your family, as if he is ready to forgive a lot, and this is not entirely true. This is his mother, with whom he built relationships for many years, and changing them is a difficult process.
As for your condition, I feel your indignation, your anger, resentment. And it is important to understand where such strong emotions come from. Why you failed to establish clear boundaries in your relationship with your mother-in-law.
The last time you communicated with your mother-in-law, you set the framework, you did what you have a right to. You - a mother - are exactly the person who makes decisions and is responsible for the child. The way you wrote - it sounds quite respectful, while you received a childish reaction - resentment. And it's your mother-in-law's choice of how to respond.
Another question is why is your mother-in-law's behavior so hurtful for you? What caused this anger? The fact that she doesn’t consider you, or that you can’t openly express your negativity, or is it anger at your husband for not protecting you? There are many questions, and by answering them and understanding the reason for your emotions, it will become easier for you.
Now - do not force yourself, the fact that you do not want to communicate is natural. Allow yourself, don't blame yourself. When the time comes and you meet her again, try to separate your accumulated emotions from what is really happening at the moment. Defend yourself, talk about what you don’t like respectfully: “when you do this, it affects the child badly - ..., can you do it differently - ...”. Remind yourself that you are a grown woman, you are a mother, and you can decide for yourself what and how to do, you are not asking for anything supernatural. Do not tolerate when you accumulate your emotions in yourself, it becomes hard to breathe, they interfere with living fully and adequately assessing the situation. Rating 4.28 (9 Votes)
1. “A daughter-in-law must obey her mother-in-law”
- the daughter-in-law is not obliged to obey the mother-in-law, she is an adult and a free person.
The mother-in-law, who tries to bend her daughter-in-law under herself, risks ruining relations with her son's family and not seeing her grandchildren.
The mother-in-law also thinks that since she “acquired a daughter” in the person of her daughter-in-law, she has the right to tell her what to do. But adult children are not obliged to obey the instructions of their parents, especially not their own.
2. “My mother-in-law will be my second mother”
- if the mother-in-law is jealous of her son and is immediately opposed to her daughter-in-law, then there will be no friendship here. Cold neutrality at best. But, as sad practice shows, such a mother-in-law will do everything to ruin relations in a young family. In such cases, instead of suffering from the dislike of the mother-in-law, you need to protect your family.
“Second mother” and “daughter”, people can become when there is spiritual closeness between them. If the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law are alien "in spirit", then it is not worth suffering.
If a wise mother-in-law and a wise daughter-in-law are both determined to accept and love each other, then the chances of creating a good relationship are very high.
3. “You can’t drag your husband into a conflict with your mother-in-law”
- if the mother-in-law humiliates and offends the daughter-in-law, then the husband is simply obliged to stand up for his wife, and not "hide his head in the sand." That's why he is a husband, to protect his family, even from his relatives! Otherwise, how will a wife defend her rights as a wife before her mother-in-law if the husband has withdrawn himself or taken the side of his mother?
Some things are better solved through the husband, and not directly. The husband is a beloved native son, he can do what his daughter-in-law cannot.
4. “The daughter-in-law is bad and you need to“ open the eyes of your son ”
- if the son lives with her, then everything is fine. And what does not suit you - let them figure it out themselves, do not interfere, otherwise you will be to blame. There are two options here - either he will move away from his mother, who speaks badly about his wife, or he will divorce, suffer and blame you again. And yet, the husband often conveys to his wife the words of the mother, remember this, mother-in-law! And then you wonder why your son's wife doesn't want to know you. It's simple: who is pleased to hear bad things about themselves, and even from the mother of a loved one. By the way, criticism is often unfounded, simply from jealousy and envy of the mother-in-law.
5. "Young people need to be helped"
Help only if asked. Do not ask - do not climb! Believe me, most of the “mother-in-law-daughter-in-law” conflicts come precisely from unsolicited, imposed help! “I will teach my daughter-in-law to cook,” the mother-in-law thinks, and is sincerely offended when the daughter-in-law snorts. The mother-in-law “wants the best”, this infuriates the daughter-in-law. And even if the daughter-in-law is a cook of the highest rank, then for the mother-in-law this is usually not an argument. The daughter-in-law is also unpleasant that her husband's mother considers her clumsy.
And everything is simple: learn how to convey information so as not to offend the other. If you can't, it's better to remain silent. My tongue is my enemy!
6. “Grandma knows best how to deal with children.”
What mother would take it easy when a grandmother tries to take away her right to raise her child? The mother-in-law has already raised her own, so give the daughter-in-law her legal right to be a mother. Learn to prompt carefully, or be silent.
7. A daughter-in-law must live with her mother-in-law and take care of her.
- only if the mother-in-law is bedridden. In other cases, living with your mother-in-law is a nuclear explosion. If you want to save your marriage, live separately. Learn from other people's mistakes!
MISTAKES OF THE BRIDE-IN-LAW
The daughter-in-law in relations with the mother-in-law needs to avoid two extremes:
1. Neglect your husband's mother
2. Trying too hard to please.
And don't have expectations. You should not imagine how your mother-in-law will become your second mother, how you will become a big friendly family and will gather for the holidays. However, the initially hostile attitude towards the husband's mother is also not good.
Unfulfilled expectations - extra nerves!
The final is great if you have peace and harmony with your mother-in-law at first sight, but as practice shows, alas, this is a rarity.
So let's look at the extremes:
Mother-in-law - "get out"!
The daughter-in-law wants her husband to belong only to her.
Huge mistake! In addition to you, the woman he loves, he has parents, friends, hobbies, etc. Usually, jealous wives drive away not only the mother-in-law, but also friends from her husband. And it usually doesn't end well! (An exception, the final one is drunk friends, drug addicts, lovers of "going left", etc.)
However, if the husband really spends too much time with his mother, and the wife is alone with the children and the household, then what to do? Negotiate, communicate. Explain that now he is a husband and his family needs him, agree on a schedule for visiting his parents, say, 1-2 times a week (month), according to circumstances. To convey that now he is a husband and father, and is responsible for his family. What does he need psychological divorce from mom, separate. There is nothing wrong with that, it is a normal process of life.
So, dear daughter-in-law, I understand that the mother-in-law can be unpleasant for you, but if it’s not out of the ordinary actions on her part, you will have to endure. Congratulate on holidays, ignore teachings and whining “that my son has lost weight”.
Dear bride! Believe me, not every mother-in-law is a snake and a monster, she just worries about her son as best she can.
Get into the skin of another person!
We are all good at judgment until they were in the place of another person. And we'll behave even worse than he did.
We would have walked as many roads as he did, we would have cried out a sea of tears, we would have knocked down our legs in blood ... and we would have spoken differently!
Imagine that your beloved son will grow up, marry, and his wife will turn up her nose from you, drive away from her son in every possible way and ignore you. Pleasantly? Yes, it is clear that young people want to separate and live independently, but can you forbid a mother's heart to worry? You have taken care of him all your life, and now they tell you - "leave me alone, don't interfere." You call to find out how they live, and they send you. You are with your daughter-in-law with all your heart, and she is with you "with all her back"! Yes, the mother-in-law is sometimes wrong, unnecessarily intrusive. Well, forgive her for that, she is an elderly woman who has the joys in life - one son! But when grandchildren appear, grandmother will be happy to sit with them, and you can relax.
What to do, daughter-in-law? And, for example, buy tickets to the theater, the conservatory, to the exhibition, give it to your husband - let him bring his mother into the light! Let the son dedicate this evening to his mother, let him give her roses! Let them stay together, let the mother-in-law feel that she is taken care of, loved. Husband is with you, but mom is single. Let him go to visit her, take her grandchildren, the grandmother will be happy, and for now you go to a beauty salon or just sleep. If it’s hard for you, daughter-in-law, to communicate with your mother-in-law, then congratulations on holidays and polite greetings at a meeting are enough. This is the husband's mother, so let him communicate with her.
Another extreme that daughters-in-law fall into is trying too hard to please their mother-in-law.
At the heart of such a desire is usually a complex of a “good girl” who wants to please everyone and everything. This is the right path to neurosis, because. As you know, you can't please everyone. Everyone likes this gold and diamonds.
In addition, a daughter-in-law who tries her best to please her mother-in-law is usually simply not sure about her relationship with her husband and tries to get his mother as an ally. The daughter-in-law does not admit her insecurity to herself.
Overly diligent daughters-in-law completely forget or don't know that building good relationships is a two-way process! What, if a person has decided not to love you and does not want to communicate with you, then there is little that can be done. If the mother-in-law is immediately negative towards the daughter-in-law, then at least hurt yourself into a cake, but you won’t be good for her! Rather, the mother-in-law will intuitively feel the daughter-in-law's strong desire to please her, and will manipulate her. Relationships will come down to the fact that the daughter-in-law will try to please, and the mother-in-law will follow her attempts with a smirk - "come on, let's see what happens." This is usually called bullying, but they also bully those who allow themselves to be bullied.
Respecting others and trying for them is a good thing, but you also need to respect yourself and try for yourself! Otherwise, if you are like a dog, “bring slippers” to your mother-in-law, do not be surprised at a bad attitude. Although domestic dogs, the harmful mother-in-law loves much more ...
"Paws up and on the back ..."
Have you seen how two dogs meet - big and small? Small immediately on the back, paws up, shows the tummy. In animals, this is a posture of submission, and the stronger individual feels superior. So, a too diligent daughter-in-law begins to dance in front of her mother-in-law on her “hind legs”, immediately gives her the place of the mistress of the house, and then wonders why her mother-in-law is the host. The daughter-in-law puts herself wrong from the very beginning, and then complains that her mother-in-law suppresses her.
You understand how you put yourself, so be it. People, by the way, respect strong personalities and fear them.
So, dear daughters-in-law, be on an equal footing, respect yourself and don't get offended.
The fact that the mother-in-law is older and she is the mother of the husband does not mean that you are below her in rank!
On the contrary, the wife is more important to the husband than the mother. Wise mothers-in-law understand this and do not pretend to be the wife of their son (otherwise it smacks of incest). And our legislation confirms this - the wife is the first heiress, and not the mother-in-law. The Bible also speaks of this - “two flesh in one”, “a husband leaves his parents and clings to his wife and there will be two as one whole).
Live apart
One of the “best” ways to ruin your relationship with your mother-in-law for the rest of your life is to move in with her. And you never know what she says there, that “there is enough space”, etc. The mother-in-law either does not understand how difficult it is, or wants to quarrel with you. So, if you are not a thick-skinned elephant - do not move! Believe me, domestic conflicts alone are enough to ruin your life. And what about the banal maternal jealousy? The son ceases to pay attention to his mother, and the mother-in-law (often lonely) begins to be offended and jealous.
In addition, at the age when a woman usually becomes a mother-in-law, she begins menopause. And these are emotional jumps, hormones are raging, poor health. A woman becomes nervous, negative character traits intensify, and then you are a living reminder of her mother-in-law about her bygone youth, and a commotion in the house. In addition, older people are very difficult to tolerate strangers in their space. Although you are the wife of her son, you are new to your mother-in-law, and, in fact, still a stranger.
So, if you want to save your barque, rent at least a little room on the outskirts (it's not expensive), but separately!
Forget about borders
What are boundaries in communication? This is when you immediately make it clear - how you can behave with you, and how not. That is, there is a line that you do not allow to cross. For example, someone does not like being touched by strangers. And someone doesn't care.
Immediately show your mother-in-law where she can’t go (for example, she starts asking about intimacy with her husband, she simply climbs into your bed). It is better not to let the mother-in-law into the financial affairs of your family, your plans, etc.
So, if you want your mother-in-law to get into all your affairs, then:
1. Involve her in everything
2. Allow me to interfere in everything
If the mother-in-law begins to teach and impose, for example: "You're doing it wrong, you should do it!", answer: “My mom taught me how to do it!” And that's it, let someone dare to touch your mother.
Take the rubbish out of the hut
Complain to everyone what a mother-in-law is a bitch, and "good people" will immediately hand over to the mother-in-law. War!
But, you can always speak out so that it does not go further. A good psychologist, an anonymous helpline, a confession from a priest to help you. But to complain to her husband's relatives, acquaintances, neighbors about her mother-in-law - 100% that they will give her, and even in a perverted form.
So, dear daughters-in-law, remember:
- live separately!
make your husband your ally
- you will never be “good” for everyone. Like everyone - from the realm of fantasy.
- be yourself, boldly express and defend your opinion. Love yourself.
- respect yourself. Do not allow yourself to be insulted and mocked. If the mother-in-law does this, stop communicating with her, this is your right.
- if the mother-in-law is adequate, treat her with respect, even if you don't like her. She doesn't have to like you either.
- provide the mother-in-law with elementary signs of attention, gifts - everything that allows you to build good relations with any person in general, and not just with the mother-in-law.
The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has long become a byword. The stereotyped confrontation between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has persisted for hundreds of years in all cultures without exception. It seems to the mother-in-law that the daughter-in-law does everything wrong: she doesn’t care for her son in the same way and plays the role of a mother poorly. Of course, the relationship with the mother-in-law can be very difficult. A mother-in-law who abuses you can be a serious danger to your marriage and children. This article discusses the problem of relations between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law. However, these tips can also be applied if the relationship between mother-in-law and son-in-law does not add up.
Steps
Part 1
Take a stand with your spouse-
Decide if you will take drastic action without informing your husband. Your spouse may not agree with you. In addition, he may understand your position, but not rush to take any action. Therefore, you need to decide if you are ready to act without the help of your spouse.
- Ask your husband if he can give you the support you need without being directly involved in resolving the conflict.
- If you decide to act contrary to your husband's wishes, this can lead to serious problems between you. If discussing the problem with your mother-in-law is very important to you, tell your husband about it. He may be willing to compromise.
- If your spouse flatly refuses to acknowledge the existing problem, most likely it will not be possible to solve it. In this case, you should contact a family psychologist together in order to maintain a good relationship between you.
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Try to understand the reason for the behavior of the mother-in-law. Of course, this is difficult to do if you or your family are being insulted. However, it is important to try to look at the situation from her point of view. Many mothers find it difficult to let go of their children and they do not perceive them as parents.
- Most likely, your mother-in-law wants the best for your spouse and children (if you have any). Remember, your husband and children are what unites you with your mother-in-law. You may not agree with her actions and words, however, at least each of you has someone you love together.
- Pay attention to cultural differences. If you and your mother-in-law are from different cultures, this may explain the misunderstanding between you. However, cultural differences cannot justify abusive behavior.
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Play a conversation with your mother-in-law. Your spouse knows his mother well, so you can play with him the situation of your conversation with his mother. Think about what she might have said in response to your complaint. This will help your spouse understand you better. In addition, it will be easier for you to come to a consensus with your husband about your relationship with his mother.
- Your husband may refuse to take part in the preparation for the conversation. If he does not like your idea, you can ask him to just listen to you when you talk about different scenarios.
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Agree on a plan of action. After you figure out the reason for your mother-in-law's behavior, decide with your husband what you will do next. Both of you should be clear about your plan of action, and both of you should agree with it.
- You can schedule a conversation with your mother-in-law. Decide when and where you will talk to her. Do you want your husband to be present? Who will lead the conversation? You can write a script of your conversation and write it down so that you don’t say anything superfluous during a conversation with your mother-in-law.
- You may decide not to confront your mother-in-law and just spend less time with her. Decide together how much time you will spend talking with your mother-in-law and what topics you will discuss.
- Make a backup plan. For example, if your mother-in-law asks you why you did not visit her over the weekend, you should have a ready answer to this question, agreed with your husband. You can honestly say, "We don't feel very comfortable when we spend a lot of time with you." You can also say, "We've been very busy lately." Discuss with your spouse how you can answer this question.
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Determine how your mother-in-law is being abused. Depending on how your mother-in-law treats you, you should determine how to proceed. Remember that violence can take many forms, but they are all unacceptable. If you've experienced abuse from your mother-in-law in the past, it's best if you talk openly with her about it. If you continue to experience violence from her, you will need to take more decisive action.
- If your mother-in-law was abusive to your spouse when he was young, you can tell her that you know about it. You can also say, “I understand that this was in the past. It is not easy for us to cope with this, but we are determined to create a healthy atmosphere in our family.”
- If your mother-in-law continues to abuse you or your children, you can tell your spouse, “I understand that you couldn't make a difference as a child. However, now we must do everything possible to put an end to this and protect our children.”
Part 2
Set boundaries-
Be honest in relationships. Be a sincere person. You should not pretend that you are good to your mother-in-law, if this is not at all the case. Of course, you must be polite towards your relative. However, if everything is not going smoothly in your relationship, you should not pretend that the problem does not exist.
- You should not treat the mother-in-law as a mother. She is your husband's mother, but not yours.
- Avoid touching that you don't like. If you feel uncomfortable, don't hug someone who doesn't make you feel good.
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Be confident and be prepared to defend yourself. Some women, because of their shyness, are reluctant to fight back against their mother-in-law's abuse. If your mother-in-law says something offensive to you or your spouse, be prepared to stand up for your family.
- If you have children, make sure your mother-in-law knows and follows your parenting rules. If she refuses to do this, remind her that you are the mother of your children. You can say, “I know that you have experience in raising children. However, we do things differently in our family and I want you to respect our right and stick to the rules if you want to spend time with your grandchildren.”
- If she says something hurtful to you, you can say, “I don't like it when people talk to me like that. Please stop."
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Limit the time you spend with your mother-in-law. You should discuss this issue with your spouse. Your spouse may decide to spend more time with their mom than you do. Your mother-in-law may ask why you don't give her the same amount of time. In addition, she can be pleased that she has the opportunity to talk with her son alone.
- You can tell your mother-in-law ahead of time that you will spend less time with her. She may ask you what it is about. Decide with your spouse whether to be honest with her about her question.
- You can cut down on your time with your mother-in-law by not telling her.
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Accept your mother-in-law's disapproving attitude towards you. If your mother-in-law has already shown her dissatisfaction with you and your family, she is unlikely to change her mind. Remember that you don't need her approval.
- Say what you think. For example, if your mother-in-law says that your house is very small and cluttered with things, you can simply say, “We are happy that we have a house. You may not like our house, but it suits our needs.”
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Set boundaries according to the situation. If your mother-in-law continues to be abusive towards you, you may need to cut contact with her. Even if she no longer behaves this way, her presence can negatively affect you and your spouse.
- If your mother-in-law was physically or sexually abusive towards your spouse when he was young, he may be opposed to rebuilding the relationship. Ask your husband if he wants to maintain a relationship with his mother.
- A psychologist can help you deal with the trauma your spouse experienced as a child.
- If your mother-in-law is physically abusive towards your family members, you should contact law enforcement. If you suspect or know that she is sexually abusive, you should contact the police immediately.
Part 3
Keep your distance- Change your place of residence by moving as far away from your mother-in-law as possible.
- If your spouse does not accept the fact that his mother is abusive towards you, suggest that he visit a psychologist together before deciding to end the marriage.
- Divorce is a serious decision that should not be taken lightly. However, you must not tolerate violence in order to save your marriage.
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Get the help of a psychologist if needed. If you or your children have been psychologically traumatized after interacting with your mother-in-law, you may need the help of a psychologist, even after this woman disappears from your life. It may take years to deal with the aftermath of abuse, even if you are already safe.
- Even if your spouse doesn't see the problem, you still have to reap the consequences of being abused by your mother-in-law.
- Children can suffer abuse even if they don't realize it. Make sure they can talk to someone they trust if they are being abused by their grandmother.
- If you have children, think about them first. Do they need protection from your mother-in-law? Should they interact with her? Discuss these questions with your spouse.
- Discuss your mother-in-law's behavior with a trusted friend or psychologist. Find out the opinion of a friend or psychologist, whether in fact, your mother-in-law's behavior is cruel. Only then can you take decisive action.
Warnings
- Violence can take many forms. Don't allow any of them. Violence can be physical, verbal, emotional or sexual. Neglect is also a form of violence.
Contact your spouse. Most likely, your husband knows about your relationship with his mother. However, he may not even know how deep your conflict has gone. In addition, he may not fully understand how seriously you take the current situation. If you want to talk to your mother-in-law about how she feels about you, let your husband know before you take action.