There are no conflict-free couples. Quarrels are not only inevitable, but also necessary. It is the quarrel that gives partners the opportunity to throw out negativity and talk about their dissatisfaction. I will talk about the rules of behavior during a conflict and about the existing taboos. By following my recommendations, you will learn how to quarrel and put up properly so that one day a skirmish over a trifle (for example, washing dishes) does not lead to a painful breakup.
Taboo in quarrels
The first and foremost rule is to never offend your partner's sexual dignity. Instead of a thousand compliments, your lover will remember exactly the scandal during which you mockingly mocked his addictions or abilities. It's one thing to discuss the intimate side of a relationship in a relaxed atmosphere. And quite another - a deliberate taunt, contemptuously thrown at the man. Not only men's self-esteem suffers from such attacks. Consider that from now on, the breakup is just a matter of time.
Don't let your man question his own worth. Phrases such as “no good from you”, “how could I marry you”, “and why do I need you” will bring your couple one step closer to breaking up. Don't convince your partner that they are worthless. Men hate to seem pathetic and useless. If you repeatedly accuse him that your life passes by because of him - believe me, very soon he will give up even rare attempts to please you.
Never bring up the most painful topics. If a man is having difficulties at work, do not question his professional qualities. If the last sex wasn't too good, try to hold back and not be sarcastic. In the heat of an argument, all the ways to hit the harder seem appropriate. But when the conflict is over, you will feel very ashamed of your cowardice. Your partner may try to forgive you, but he will never forget your words.
Don't make fun of your handicap. Such tactics will deal a strong blow to the self-esteem of any person. If you managed to mock your partner because of your short stature or ridiculous shape of the ears, forget that you were once close. Examine your man's weak points so that you never touch them in the heat of an argument.
Ways to strengthen an alliance during an argument
Blaming a man for anything is the worst way to convey to him the idea that you feel bad. Instead of “you’re a disabled person, at least once you’ve washed your plate after you, just clean up after you,” say “household chores and work take a lot of energy from me, I am very upset that you don’t appreciate my work”.
Instead of “miserable loser,” you broadcast a message to your partner that their help is very valuable to you. Your man should know that he looks like a hero and protector of comfort in your eyes if he takes out the trash and puts the socks in the basket without reminders. Of course, such pretense seems ridiculous. Try it at least once - it works.
It's important to talk about your feelings instead of blaming them. Try not to hang labels or offend your partner. Talk about what makes you uncomfortable in the format of self-statements. For example, “I am in pain because…”, “I am disappointed that…”, “I am very sad because of…”. This recommendation is often given by psychologists to couples in family therapy.
The phrases “you are a mean liar” and “it hurts me that you deceived me” only at first glance seem to be the same in meaning. By accusing a man of something, you are forcing him to take a defensive position.... When you talk about your feelings, you are not evaluating his actions. But he will do it himself when he realizes that he has caused you discomfort. Vocalizing your feelings is a good way to resolve conflict in your favor.
During an argument, do not remind the man of his past mistakes. If you were able to forgive him for a serious offense, find the strength not to remind him of it.
Think about the future. In the heat of an argument, stop for a second and try to abstract yourself from what is happening. Consider whether the reason for such a violent scandal is really that important. Imagine that you have already made up and now is the time to laugh at the situation. It is difficult to stop in a fit of anger and irritation, but it must be done. After all, if both have invested a lot of energy in a relationship, it is foolish to destroy everything over a trifle. Tell your partner your thoughts. Let him know that the scandal is as undesirable to you as it is to him.
Causes of conflicts
There are a great many reasons for quarrels every day: I looked at a stranger in the wrong way, forgot about your mother’s birthday, left one cutlet in a frying pan and didn’t wash the dishes. In fact, these little things are just the tip of the iceberg. The true reasons for fights are always hidden much deeper..
Most often, quarrels in a couple arise due to the fact that partners are in no hurry to meet each other's expectations. Admit it to yourself honestly: when you first met your man, you were already annoyed by some little things. However, every woman is convinced that she can adjust her soul mate to her own ideas about the man of her dreams. When this does not happen, mutual reproaches begin.
Unpleasant situations should be pronounced immediately at the time of their occurrence. Later, when irritation grows to the limit, it is very difficult to restrain yourself and not say too much. Give your partner the right to be yourself, and try to find a compromise in matters of principle for both of you.
Mistrust in a partner often provokes conflicts in a couple. It may seem to you that your dissatisfaction is justified, because he has a new project at work with a nice colleague. Remember that this is not jealousy, this is distrust. If a man does not give you a reason to doubt his loyalty, and you are all looking for incriminating evidence, think about it. Maybe you just need an acceptable excuse to cut the connection?
How can you learn not to be jealous of a man? You can read about this in this.
Fear of betrayal and deception significantly undermines the emotional background of a woman. When our partner does not show his feelings to the extent that we would like - we begin to doubt the sincerity of his intentions. The reason for these doubts lies in self-doubt. No wonder they say that women dress up not for men, but for other women.
If you constantly expect a dirty trick from your soul mate, take care of your life: buy yourself those shoes, go to the movies with your friend, find a hobby you like - fitness, reading, Italian language courses. When a person is busy, he does not compare himself to others. If a woman is confident in herself and feels that she is interesting and attractive to other people, her partner begins to see the same.
Benefit from quarrels
Temperament, fatigue, discontent - all this only increases the intensity of passions. Sooner or later, the accumulated irritation turns into a scandal. There are no conflict-free couples. Obviously, fights have practical implications. So why do people quarrel, and how to benefit from a conflict situation?
The absence of quarrels speaks not of the harmony prevailing in a couple, but of indifference, which destroys relationships faster than any scandal.
A quarrel is a great opportunity to clarify your desires and intentions, find a problem and solve it. If you feel dissatisfied with your partner, but he remains silent to all questions, caution arises. If a man can express his dissatisfaction with all the rules of a good quarrel, this will only make the relationship more trusting. It is important to know that your partner will be direct about their irritation and give you the opportunity to find a solution. You, for your part, should give this same feeling to your man. Such a constructive conflict will only benefit the relationship.
Quarrels are also needed in order to relieve internal stress, share your stress with your partner. Researchers from the Albert Einstein Medical Center concluded that the level of conflict is directly related to the amount of testosterone in the body. This indicator also determines the tactics of behavior in a quarrel in both sexes. The high concentration of the hormone in men makes them raise their voices and show aggression. Women are prone to debriefing and moralizing.
Regardless of gender, people need an opportunity to get rid of negative emotions. Latent conflict is much more dangerous than open confrontation. You can and should quarrel. The main thing is to do it so as not to cause irreparable damage to the relationship.
How to put up correctly
Reconciliation is an important part of any fight. Learn to put up correctly.
Take a little time out right after the scandal. Taking a break will help you cool down and take a detached view of the situation. Walking at a brisk pace is perfect. When you feel that you have come to your senses, you can begin a truce. Be sincere. Make it clear that you are sorry about the fight.
If you were the initiator of the fight, start by saying, "I'm sorry we had a fight." Don't try to prove yourself right, you can do it in more suitable conditions. Your task is to show the man that you have come to make up, and not continue the scandal.
If your partner is still hot, don't take it as a personal insult. Give him time to recover. The worst tactic is to stir up another fight over his mood. However, remember that if a man refused to reconcile, he should take the next step towards reconciliation.
Answers on questions
Who should take the first step towards reconciliation?
The one who was objectively wrong must initiate reconciliation. If your partner starts the fight, help him make peace with you. It is not worth it for a trifle to contemptuously remain silent for a week and ignore the existence of your companion.
How soon can I forgive him?
If a man has done something unacceptable to you, make it clear that a simple "sorry" will not return your location. This is how people are arranged - they do not appreciate what cost them nothing. Therefore, a man who offended you should return your good attitude not with words, but with his actions. If he doesn't even try to do it, it says a lot about the value of your relationship to him. You are hardly on your way with this person.
Is physical abuse worth forgiving?
Stop any rudeness addressed to you. Don't let a man insult you, threaten you, much less beat you. If this has already happened, do not try to justify his act, do not feel sorry for him. Remember: if he hit you once, he will definitely do it again. There is only one way out of the situation - a gap.
What to remember:
- Never touch sexual and physical dignity in an argument.
- Express your dissatisfaction in the format of self-statements.
- Do not insult your partner, do not drag old disagreements into the conflict.
- Recognize your partner's right to fall short of your expectations.
- Take your time with activities that are pleasant for you - sports, hobbies, recreation - to feel confident and stop quarrels based on jealousy.
- People do not appreciate what has cost them nothing. If a man is seriously guilty, let him know that he must deserve your forgiveness with his actions.
Well, we had a fight, figured it out, apologized to each other and everything is fine. Life continues to flow on the knurled one. And if not? If the resentment has grown into a real snowball and is about to turn into an avalanche and demolish everything that stands in the way? How to act in such a situation if the relationship is still dear to you, and you would like to keep it? First of all, you need to get rid of grievances. How to do this, read the article “The Power of Forgiveness. How to become happy and how to keep love in the family. " And secondly, learn to quarrel correctly and swear correctly.
Correctly swearing and quarreling is also an art. And now I will try to prove it to you.
Let's first figure out what are the main reasons why we take offense at our other half?
Didn't call
.
Horror! Indeed, how could he? You are all on your nerves, waiting for the call, worrying, but he does not blow his mustache! Well, how can one not be offended and not make a scandal?
Okay, calm. Let off some steam and let's reason adequately. If a person is not initially predisposed to call you three or four times during the day and one phone call is enough for him to find out if everything is in order, then it is simply pointless to demand more from him. Well, he does not like this chatter on the phone. It is more pleasant for him to see you with his own eyes and communicate in real life than on the other end of the line. You must either accept this feature, or realize that if you really need multiple phone calls, then you will have a hard time with this person. Then you yourself need to somehow rebuild, than strain the man: “Well, call me. Why did not you call?" Etc. He may and will call at first, but it will be through force. And, in the end, he will get tired of playing the role of the "eternal telephone operator" ..
It's another matter if at a specific stage he really showed activity, several times a day he was interested in how you were doing, and then abruptly stopped doing this. Of course, the question arises: why? What happened. And we turn on the artillery of calls, SMS, terrorizing our beloved with our attention. Of course, it is worth finding out the reason for the cooling, but one must act not with pressure, but delicately and diplomatically.
Everything should be dosed and in moderation. Overkill is fraught not only with quarrel, but also with disgust. An alert on his phone that another SMS has come from you can, in the end, cause aggression and irritation in him.
The reasons why a person did not call can be very different: tired, hard and nervous day, a desire to be alone, strong employment at work. If these are one-time cases that have not turned into excuses and a system, then you should not panic. If a person thinks about you, wants to hear, he will in any case rehabilitate and the next day he will call. And if he is more busy with himself, then at least they drank, did not drink for not calling, this will not help the situation, but only quickly bring the relationship to naught. Understanding and patience are what will help you avoid a fight. And remember, you are a woman, but not a hunter, read about it.
Doesn't fulfill your requests . It's also a shame. But why not? Maybe the man doesn't even know how important something is to you. After all, you must admit that even the stronger sex is called such, but they are not oracles to read our thoughts and desires. And you immediately start swearing and quarreling, but why? Here it is no longer important whether you quarrel correctly or not. The reason is different.
It is important to really make it clear how much a specific issue worries you and is not indifferent to you. Methodically, drop by drop, you can achieve a good result. But not by screaming, coercion and abuse. And it doesn't matter if you swear and quarrel correctly or not. This applies to many things: household chores, walking the dog, buying flowers ...
Jealousy. What a reason for grievances and quarrels! However, it can be justified and not. If your man is a reveler, a womanizer, and you have repeatedly caught him, so to speak, "hot", then here the conversation is not about how to swear correctly, but about the fact that it might be better to part. About whether you really need such a relationship when a man does not appreciate what he has and is not afraid of losing you.
If jealousy is a part of your nature, where constant suspiciousness, suspicion, mistrust are present in your character, then this is a minus, most likely just for you.
Where have you been? Why so late? What is this, hair? I know - you are cheating on me! These questions annoy the man to the pain of pain. And if at first he makes excuses, tries to explain that, for example, the phone was discharged, met an acquaintance, got stuck in a traffic jam, and so on, then this terror will only get on the nerves.
Do not be offended, but you are the provocateur. The irritant from which you want to run far away. Who will be pleased to be in the irradiation zone and experience eternal discomfort. Even if the wire is still de-energized, where is the guarantee that in a moment you will not be electrocuted? No, it's better to stay away from this place. So you become such a wire with current for your man.
Suspiciousness, eternal grievances, suspicions - this is all she, jealousy. The worm that eats you from the inside and systematically introduces discord into relationships. The only vaccine against it can be trust, a sense of tact, self-confidence and an adequate assessment of the situation. The amazing book by Rashid Kirranov "How to become self-confident in 3 months" will help you develop self-confidence - I recommend it.
When everything is boiling in the soul and the mind is clouded, actions and words are far from normal. With a nervous, jealous hysteria, hardly anyone wants to live. Only perhaps a masochist or henpecked. Do you need one?
Coarseness . It is not even worth dwelling on this issue here for a long time. Rudeness must be stopped immediately. Moreover, firmly and without rassalivaniya. A person who allows impartial words in your address does not in itself cause the respect and title of a real man. There is no point in smoothing out the conflict. As well as endure and think that he will change and everything will be fine. Will not. Respect is either there or not. And letting you wipe your feet on yourself or responding rudely to rudeness is no longer a relationship, but sparring. But after all, a man and a woman are not two boxers who fight whoever. Ideally, these are two allies who support each other, take care and try not to hurt their soul mate.
But still, what to do if a conflict is already inevitable and a mechanism called a quarrel has been launched? Everything is boiling inside you, you want to express to your partner everything that you think about him. At this moment, words sometimes fly out of your mouth that you may not even have thought of. But… they have already been spoken ……. Wait a minute. So you live with livestock? Or did you just call him that, because you had to say something? Only the word is not a sparrow, you cannot catch it. And even if after a while the conflict can be resolved, the person still retains the statements that you named him in his memory. Slowly but surely, resentment builds up, then splash out like a tsunami. Therefore, before you say something, think about whether you will regret what you said. You can, of course, then apologize, but as they say, the residue remains. Words they are like a dagger, they can hurt even more painfully than having received physical injuries. This is a wound that aches and gives a person discomfort. I recommend that you read the series of articles by Anastasia Guy on how to get rid of anger and aggression and how to swear and quarrel correctly. Read the first part.
Some of my acquaintances are very temperamental people and cannot do without scandals in their family. It even turns them on in some manner. However, nevertheless, they never stoop to each other's address to insults and humiliation. Yes, they shout, break the dishes - this is their feature. But to call one another is not. This is taboo. A taboo that should be present in every family.
And even if there is calm after a storm, storms are different. There are waves that hit the rocks and calm down. And there are those who bring destruction with them. These words, spoken in the heat of the moment, can just be such waves that destroy the good attitude towards you that was originally. Moderate this element within you. After all, it is so easy to break, but it is very difficult to glue: the cracks will still be visible.
There are also people who, during quarrels, prefer not to shout, but ... to be offended. Offended and went into themselves ... for a long time. Maybe silence is also gold, but not in this case. How can a person know what you are offended if you are silent? You sulked like a turkey and you don’t talk, showing, nevertheless, with all your looks that you are dissatisfied. The problem should be discussed, negotiated, solutions and compromises should be sought. But! Calmly, at the level of negotiations. Explain to your partner what you don’t like and to try not to do it again. To play in silence is the privilege of children, but not adults.
I would also like to cite as an example one fairy tale: "The Kingdom of Crooked Mirrors". Remember, at the end, the main character looked at herself from the side and made the necessary conclusions. So maybe we, adults, should often look at ourselves from the outside? After all, not only the partner always does everything wrong and brings us to emotions. We are not angels either, and we can be wrong. Of course, it is difficult to see even a log in your own eye, not like a speck of dust in the eyes of another. But this is the art of relationships: to be demanding, first of all, to yourself. Thinking about what you say, what you do and how pleasant or unpleasant it will be for your person. Being a "chainsaw" is very easy and breaking a relationship is like a toy house too. But what will be left? A pile of rubble ... So maybe you should be relationship builders, not destroyers. And this will require very simple materials: loyalty to each other, understanding, patience, diplomacy and acceptance of a person as he is.
You also need to be able to swear. Let petty quarrels be just a pretext for stormy and passionate reconciliation, like a fresh breeze. The draft that flew in, ventilated the space and flew away. But not a hurricane, after which nothing remains but ruins and broken hearts.
Best regards, Mila Alexandrova.
Once upon a time there was a grandfather and a grandmother. They lived a long time and swore violently. Grandfather screamed, grandmother screamed even more. Once my grandmother ran out of patience, she went to a neighbor for advice: how to stop quarreling with her husband? A neighbor gave her "magic" water and said: "Whenever you want to scold your grandfather, put this water in your mouth and you will see - the grandfather will shut up himself." So the grandmother did. And - lo and behold! - the scandals have stopped. The grandfather wants to have a fight with the grandmother, but she fills her mouth with water and is silent. The grandfather became uninteresting, and the quarrels ended.
Let us also talk about "magic" water or some other medicine for family quarrels. With the help of psychologists, we will try to quarrel correctly - so that no conflict will disturb your happy family union.
If it seems to you that you quarrel with your spouse more often than others, and all other families live in peace and tranquility, then you are mistaken. There are statistics according to which married couples quarrel on average 312 times a year. A quarrel can be caused by any family reason: snoring, TV, toothpaste, open refrigerator. It is estimated that 80% of fights are related to money in some way. And another interesting piece of information: do you feel like you fight more often than you have sex? But again, according to statistics, 30% quarrel, like you, more often than making love. So your pair does not fall out of statistical error. We hope our tips will help most families.
- You will laugh, but the first piece of advice when fighting is not to avoid the quarrels themselves. Why? Because by avoiding them, hiding emotions, suppressing irritation, you accumulate resentment in yourself. Your memory begins to count how many grievances you have taken down, how many conflicts you have prevented. Then a small little match is enough, and a quarrel arises, which is much stronger in power than those that you have endured. And already this quarrel will be much more difficult to extinguish. What's the bottom line? Their number decreases, but their strength increases. Do not tolerate, do not be silent, do not accumulate irritation - talk, discuss and argue a little.
- He will surprise you too. Try to swear as calmly as possible during an argument. Watch your urge to shout down and interrupt, even if you think you are right. Again, try to explain as calmly as possible what does not suit you. Your partner will want to scream - that's for sure. Usually, during a quarrel, the volume rises sequentially from partner to partner, but at some point it turns out that there is nowhere to increase. The volume on your side is muted as much as possible. You don't scream. How is it? Your partner will think. Hold on. Calmly continue the quarrel, and it imperceptibly develops into a normal conversation.
- During an argument, try to discuss the topic of the quarrel. Concentrate on her. Do not be distracted by past grievances, mistakes and problems that you had, for example, when you were digging a vegetable garden 5 years ago. This will lead you to a dead end. Start from behind an open refrigerator and end with a blunt shovel. Do not use fights to speak out on all topics in a row.
- Are you interested in the opinion of the partner with whom you live? And in a quarrel, and in a calm atmosphere, it should be understood that this is his opinion, different from yours, but it still exists. That is why it is so important to listen to each other in a quarrel! Try, although it sounds strange, to devote half of the time to expressing your opinion, and the other half - all the same, to listen to your partner's point of view. This is right! Yes, he is entitled to a different opinion. But if you decide to be silent, the sword of lightning from your eyes, it does not mean that you are listening. You need to hear and understand why your partner thinks differently than you do.
- Try to avoid insults. Anyone - offensive or harmless. This is the road to nowhere. If you allow yourself to start calling names, then sooner or later it will end in rude insults. Yes, it is really very difficult. Not just for you. Couples all over the world call each other names during an argument. And you try to do without it, no matter what feelings you feel at that moment. Remember your childhood - that's when it worked well. And now it's not worth it! You have chosen your partner, you have decided to live together. Therefore, no matter how you want to call him, this also applies to you. This is your offensive name too.
So, a lot of what has been said above has probably surprised or interested you. Try to follow our advice. Or the wise advice of a neighbor from a fairy tale about "magic" water. The main thing to remember and use in any family conflict is that the person you are fighting with is your family! He is your favorite, he is always there. You swear not in order to part forever, but just to express what worries you. Any quarrel must end. If you understand that the quarrel is reaching a dead end, its degree exceeds reasonable limits and you and your partner no longer quarrel, but injure each other with words, interrupt the quarrel. Finish. Stop!
“It's hard for me! We need to hug to make sure we still love each other. "
“It's hard for me! You need to be alone in order to calm down, to understand yourself and the situation. “Sound familiar?
Some, more often women, quickly flare up during a quarrel and cool down just as quickly.
Others, and there are more men among them, try to control themselves: resentment or anger builds up slowly and, only having reached the boiling point, break out. It also takes time to recover, and a lot.
In each pair, one is more emotional and plays the role of "approaching", while the other is more restrained and is responsible for distancing. Roles can sometimes change. Yes, there are hot "Italian" families, whose dramas have been watched for years by neighbors, and a couple of phlegmatic people, but there are few of them. Either way, the rules of an effective truce work for everyone.
Calm down
It is useful to express emotions, including negative ones: hidden and driven inside anger, resentment, pain only make it worse. Another thing is that the expression should be constructive. And sometimes, before "broadcasting" the negative, it is better to take a walk, take a shower, punch a pillow or do 50 squats. If the emotional background goes off scale and you know from experience that you will regret what you said later, squat down, and then swear.
This material was prepared for you by the team of the magazine Cosmopolitan Psychology
Make conflict productive
With the right scenario, you should come to a solution that suits everyone. And this is the most important point. Otherwise, no matter how touchingly you make up, a quarrel over the same reason will soon flare up again. By the way, hot “Italian” couples often fall into this trap: the fuse is gone, everyone is hugging, but the problem has not been solved.
Unfortunately, in addition to one-time conflicts, there are long-term and intractable ones - when a controversial issue arises at an enviable frequency. Does the mother-in-law like to come without demand and put things in order? Does your loved one not like that your work is connected with business trips? And you - that he throws clothes around? Such stories, even if they are connected with little things, are annoying, just like an incomplete tooth. This means that they undermine the relationship, taking away positive and warmth from them. If a good solution does not exist, choose at least a satisfactory one: one so that at this stage (and not only at the moment of forgiveness and reconciliation) it is acceptable to both.
Separate the problem from the person
When making claims, do not deviate from the essence and do not get personal: when it comes to business trips, you should not blame the lack of a sense of humor or recall the intrigue of five years ago. After all, your task is to jointly find the right way out, and not prove who is right, who is wrong, and who is throwing clothes at all.
Apologize
And accept the apology. This is not easy to do: in a constructive apology, everyone admits guilt for their contribution to the negativity. Ask for forgiveness only for specific actions that you consider erroneous: "Sorry that I broke down", "I am guilty that I raised my voice." And - be sure to say what hurt you: “I was offended to hear that ...” It is wrong to apologize “for show” - in this case, the partner feels insincerity, and you, without understanding what the matter is, risk stepping on the same rake ...
Do not ask for forgiveness for the content of the conflict if the question really worried you: "Sorry that I am jealous of you" or "Sorry that I cannot love your daughter from my first marriage." After all, so you do not leave a chance for a decision.
In addition, you should not take all the blame on yourself: “Sorry, I have a disgusting character, I always spoil everything.” Both are involved in the conflict, and both are responsible for it.
There is no need for an apology with the proviso: “Of course, I’m wrong, but you yourself brought me on” - thereby we remove the blame from ourselves, outweigh it on the partner and give a round of a new conflict.
Do not rush
If a man, or you, or both of you, after a quarrel, needs to understand himself, be silent and calm down - this is normal. No need to artificially pull your loved one into a whirlpool of feelings or force yourself to smile and go to the movies - it will only get worse. You both have the right to privacy and reflection. The main thing is that it does not turn into a demonstration and manipulation - when you need not time, but increased attention: "No, no, everything is fine, I am not offended, you should not be bothered who cares about my feelings at all."
Love fever
Is it worth ending the reconciliation with sex? Yes, as long as “complete” does not equal “replace”. Let's say the reason for the quarrel is trifling, and the quarrel itself can be called an outbreak rather than a conflict. Then the release of the accumulated tension will help to feel the partner, his love and closeness. But on condition that both of you are ready for it. If one does not yet want tactile intimacy, even a simple hug, the second can only be patient. And to make it easier, shift your attention to other things.
By the way, the phrase “I never take offense at anyone” is just as implausible. It is normal to be offended, the main thing is to understand the reason and help yourself and your partner draw the right conclusions.
Do not press
Some people find it unbearable to admit they are wrong. They generally have a difficult relationship with feelings of guilt. There may be several reasons. For example, such recognition, especially for men, is often equated with defeat and almost humiliation. Another reason is the unresolved conflict with guilt that comes from childhood: when the child considered himself “extreme” in some difficult situation: for example, in the illness of his relatives (“He behaved badly, his grandmother's heart ached”) or the parents divorced. In this case, the topic of guilt is, in principle, very difficult, frightening and painful. If you feel that the words "I am wrong" are given to your beloved hard, do not force them. And if you can't pronounce them yourself, try to express your feelings by actions. It works even better.
Scientists at the University of Arizona, led by psychologist Dr.Kyle Burassom, have been researching conflicts and quarrels among married couples for 32 years to find out how reactions that provoke anger affect health. After a long observation of 194 couples, scientists came to the conclusion that conflicts with loved ones are not so harmful to health, and to some extent even beneficial if people quarrel with the same intensity. Moreover, scientists assure that if you symmetrically respond to the reproaches of the other side, no matter how difficult the situation may be, the chances of quickly reaching reconciliation are much higher than if you suppress resentment and anger. Research statistics showed that the more the subjects contained their anger during family quarrels, the more often they fell ill and died prematurely. Such results were published in the journal Psychosomatic Medicine.
But what if the conflicts in the family do not end, the man does not listen to you, and the socks are still scattered around the apartment? It turns out that the whole point is that you do not know how to quarrel correctly, experts are sure.
“When a negative situation arises, be sure to express your dissatisfaction. This must be done with confidence so that it is clear what exactly it is. Your complaints will be heard and taken into account with a greater degree of probability if you do not summarize and recall everything. Avoid getting personal. In other words, it is worth talking about the situation that has happened without insults, curses and labeling a person. Just express your negative feelings and your opinion about the current situation. This should be done with a confident, clear intonation, trying not to raise your voice too much, ”explains psychologist Tatiana Poritskaya.
Rule # 1: Don't try to resolve the conflict while emotionally aroused
As long as you are in a state of passion, no conflict will be resolved. It is important to remember this. So first, calm down your emotions.
“If an emotion caught up with you during a conversation, then, under any pretext, leave the interlocutor. You need to let off steam. The simplest thing is to breathe deeply. If retirement is still not possible, then do it with your partner. Let him see that you are striving to master yourself. This will only be a plus, ”advises the psychologist and sexologist Vasilena Zhuravina.
If the breathing exercise did not help, you can move on to more radical measures: writing on a napkin, stomping your feet or even swearing - the main thing is alone, says Zhuravina.
“Try to literally slow down. Try to move more slowly, think, breathe more slowly. Stay in this state for a couple of minutes and be sure to remember that you love this person, no matter what. Yes, now he has caused you severe pain, and you want to let him know how bad you are, but remember that all this will pass, ”adds psychologist Natalya Zholudeva.
Rule number 2: communicate to a man how solving a problem will make you happy
In an argument with a man, you need to focus not on personal reproaches. It is important to convey to him why a broken crane, lack of a car and vacation make you unhappy, advises Olga Lazareva, a psychologist at the MEDIKA medical holding.
So, in order to get a result from a man, tell us how important it is to you. Speak softly and without reproach. Be weak. For a man, there is no greater incentive for achievement.
It so happens that a woman is unhappy with everything. No matter what the man does, she will still grumble: “So what - the crane is repaired! Nonsense! The neighbors have bought a new house! " In such a situation, no one will want to do anything, and it will be more difficult to force a man. There is no sense, because no matter how hard you try, it will still be bad.
“Another thing is that it is difficult for a woman to cope with her feelings, and a quarrel happens by itself. A man perceives a conflict as a challenge to a fight, where it is necessary to show who is stronger. The head in these moments turns off, only instincts work: we must win. Later, when everything is calm, he will understand that he was defeating not a real enemy, but his own woman, ”says Lazareva.
“I-messages” work great, which make it clear to the man the logic of your experiences, discontent and other negative feelings.
“The scheme consists of three blocks:“ When you ... (describe what he does, but do not run into, strictly facts) stay late at work and don’t call, I ... (describe my emotional state) get angry and worried, I come up with different horrors I think you got hit by a train and I'm scared ... Please (we formulate a request - what do we want from him in connection with these feelings of ours), let me know if you are late. Or do you want me to call you myself, tell me when it is convenient for you? " The circuit works great. Men usually understand the language of logic well. Therefore, if they know the reason, it will be easier for them to do what you ask, ”emphasizes psychotherapist Yulia Kolonskaya.
Rule # 3: avoid value judgments
Have you noticed that as soon as you start telling a man general phrases: “You don’t care about me”, “You don’t love me and don’t understand”, the quarrel only intensifies? Expressions like these make a man defend himself against you.
“Do not use expressions such as:“ You always do this ”,“ You never ”,“ Always you ”. These words make the opponent feel guilty, so he will begin to prove his case and make excuses, or attack in response. And, as a rule, it always ends with a stormy showdown, ”says Natali Ichenko, a practicing psychologist, founder of the Center for Practical Psychology“ SENTIO ”.
You can criticize, scold, evaluate only actions or deeds, but not the person himself.
“It is wrong to tell your partner that he is a scoundrel, a scoundrel and a worthless person, especially since this is not true - you could not love a scoundrel and scoundrel, could you? When addressing your spouse, criticize only the act that brought you so many unpleasant minutes, ”adds Natalya Zholudeva.
To demonstrate the advice of psychologists in practice, we simulated several situations that could arise through the fault of a man, and asked experts to comment on them.
Situation # 1: The man knew that you did not have the keys to the house. You have previously agreed that he will leave the keys in the mailbox / neighbors before going to the meeting. However, he forgot to leave the keys, and did not answer calls and text messages. You had to wait at the entrance for an hour and a half. What to do?
“When explaining the situation, try to talk about your feelings - this is usually an undeniable argument. You will probably say: "You don't think about me at all, you knew that I had no key, but you didn't care how I got home, you thought only about yourself, you are an egoist, you humiliated me!" I guarantee that you will cause a flurry of negative feelings towards yourself and the chances of ending up in peace will plummet. Or you can say the following: “I had the feeling that you forgot about me, I was so hurt and so offended, I sat and cried, I felt abandoned, it seemed to me that I meant nothing to you, and now it hurts when I think about it. I want you to remember me, ”says Natalya Zholudeva.
“You could say:“ Yes, I couldn't get home because I didn't have the key. I tried to get through to you, but you didn't answer your calls. So I waited for you in the stairwell for an hour and a half. And now she is very, very angry with you! And besides that, I froze, I feel very sick in my soul, from the fact that it seems to me: you did it on purpose. And I don't know what to do with all this now. " And then you can just silently wait for his explanation. Believe me, this option will not force him to attack, defending against you.
By handing over the floor to the man for an answer, you will show that no matter what, you respect him, which will automatically cause a desire to return you in the same coin. After he has explained, it is important to give him that opportunity. Be sure to explain what you want now. This point is just as obligatory as all the previous ones, as it translates the situation into a constructive one. So that what "smacked" of a scandal, received a positive development. This will strengthen your negotiation skills. And the last thing: remember that you are sometimes wrong. And if you can understand and forgive, then you, in turn, will be understood and forgiven, ”answers Vasilena Zhuravina.
Rule # 4: stay focused on the conflict
Very often during a quarrel, past grievances are recalled. And this only complicates communication. Sometimes partners even forget why they quarreled, begin to discuss the events of five years ago, blame relatives or friends. By the way, women sin more often, men sin. Experts warn that this only complicates the relationship. With such methods, a woman will never achieve the desired result from her man.
“Very often during a quarrel, the subject of the conflict is lost, everything falls into one heap, old grievances are recalled, relatives intervene, a transition to personalities occurs. Stay on topic. It is very important. Otherwise, you can say unpleasant words, which you will later regret. Grievances and unspoken claims tend to accumulate and one day they can break through, like a dam. In the future, this can lead to a conflict, where the cause will be insignificant, and the reaction to it and the strength of emotions are disproportionately large. We need to calmly and frankly sort things out, find “painful” points, adequately resolve conflict situations in order to preserve love and relationships, ”says psychologist Natalie Ichenko.
By the way, if the goal of your quarrel is simply to sort out the relationship, let off steam, get emotional release for past grievances, psychologists simply advise you to warn the man that now you want to quarrel with him.
Rule # 5: Don't Let A Man Make You Guilty
Many experts agree that tantrums over little things are a sign of low female self-esteem. For example, the reason for frequent groundless conflicts can be a subconscious block on a happy relationship.
“If a man often offends you, violates your boundaries, then most likely you have a ban on happy relationships. Such prohibitions come from childhood. A man by his behavior only indicates that it is necessary to pay attention to self-esteem, ”says Julia Kotyakhova, an expert on individual initiation of male and female maturity.
However, if the man really was to blame for the situation that happened, instead of making amends, he may try to make you guilty. In no case should such provocations be supported.
“It is very important from the very beginning to indicate that“ you cannot do this with me ”. Decide what is unacceptable for you under any circumstances: cheating, discussing you with some specific people, assault. And this should not be just said, but accepted by both parties. Your own confidence in these boundaries will allow you to convincingly convey it to your partner. Everyone decides for himself that this situation, if this happens, will become the end of the relationship. Some metro doors say "no entry", although sometimes you can still enter them. Your doors, for certain situations, must be locked, ”explains the practicing psychologist Alena Al-As.
Sometimes assessing your own actions and righteousness in the process of an argument can be difficult. Experts recommend writing down the situation that happened, as well as your own feelings and experiences in a notebook. And re-read them the next time they try to make you feel guilty.
“Do not fall for manipulation and attempts to shove the blame for what you have done on you. The best way to assess the situation soberly is to write down everything that happened on paper. And then analyze your discomfort in concretely measurable numbers: how many hours did you, for example, wait for a man because he forgot to leave you the keys to the house, how much money you lost because of this, what problems with health, well-being, self-esteem you have after that appeared, how you started to feel, and so on. Reread all of this every time they try to make you feel guilty. At the same time, it will help to assess the adequacy of your claim.
It is important to remember here that non-material, psychological problems, for example, a decrease in your self-esteem or a spoiled mood, are no less worth the lost material resources. Because poor health, mood and low self-esteem subsequently, in any case, will negatively affect the productivity of your work. In any relationship, love and respect yourself first. And don't let anyone, regardless of your status, importance and degree of kinship with you, scoff at yourself, ”explained Anastasia Stepanenko, coach for quick and effective problem solving.
Rule number 6: if the man is at fault, assess the damage received and ask for compensation
If the man was still wrong and has already admitted his mistakes, experts advise not to hesitate to ask for compensation for the suffering or inconvenience caused to you.
“For the first time, you don’t need to forgive anything and say:“ Come on, everything is all right, darling! ”, Because the situation brought discomfort to the woman. It is important to explain to the man once what the problem is and clearly indicate that you do not like this attitude towards yourself. The best way to demonstrate this is to have a conversation with a man: “It caused me discomfort and damage to my nervous system and health, and I do not like to be nervous. Therefore, to atone for your guilt, buy me such and such a thing. Then I will forgive you, but I will not tolerate such antics in my address anymore. I respect others, but in my relationship I demand the same. ”
And tell (just say, not ask) a man to buy you a thing that will be adequately commensurate with the damage caused to you. Not a dish sponge or frying pan. Not a carnation or a lonely rose. Not a chocolate bar or diet bar. And something significant that will make a man regret what he has done and work hard to atone for his guilt, ”says Anastasia Stepanenko.
Rule # 7: keep your distance
There is no need to pretend that everything is in order immediately. After the end of the quarrel, it is best to keep your distance for at least half an hour, and preferably several hours. The thing is that the human psyche is not able to recover from negative experiences in a few minutes. Moreover, it may seem to a man that the quarrel was frivolous.
“If you are too easy-going, then immediately calm down and behave as if nothing happened. And this is too fast smoothing. Often easy-going people actually harbor resentment and then remember everything. Or when a person so quickly forgets and forgives everything, others do not take his remarks seriously. It is better to keep your distance for some time after the conversation. For example, be alone and mind your own business. Allow feelings to truly subside. Discontent cannot go away in five minutes. For this reason, it is difficult to go from resentment and anger to a positive attitude in a couple of minutes.
Depending on the situation, it can take anywhere from 30 minutes to several hours for the feelings to really subside. In no case should you just be demonstratively silent and ignore a man. If, after expressing dissatisfaction, your chosen one immediately behaves as if nothing happened, starts joking fun and engages you in other topics, you need to say the following: “I am still unhappy and feel offended, so I cannot joke and pretend that nothing has happened. Give me time to come to my senses, ”psychologist Tatiana Poritskaya advises.
Situation # 2: The tap, the interior door and the chandelier are broken at home. For three weeks now, the man has been promising to do the repairs, but nothing has changed. What to do?
“Rather than continuing to get angry and nag your husband, agree that a“ specially trained person ”will do it, and the husband will finance. Just say so: “Darling, I see that you do not have time or you don’t want to do it. I understand, but you still need to do it. I called (someone there), it will cost so much. " If you hear the answer: "Pay yourself," then the problem is much deeper than a leaking tap or a broken lock. Almost any problem that has arisen can be solved with a normal conversation without lectures and getting personal. And if in your case this is not possible, then you initially chose the wrong person. No sort of showdown, let alone scandals, will help. There is simply no sense in them, ”Alena Al-As comments.
“Consider the option when a man is lying on the couch, and the house has faulty equipment or unfinished repairs. Such a man himself expects something from his wife. He sees his mother as a mother. He wants to get from her what he did not receive in childhood. He certainly has masculine strength, but like Emele from a fairy tale he still needs to lie on the “stove” and mature to be responsible for his masculine duties. I suggest you stop caring about a man “like a mother”. A woman in such a family usually "stops a galloping horse every day and enters a burning hut several times a day." All this needs to be stopped, start building your self-esteem. And if you seriously want to change your relationship, then contact a specialist, ”concludes Natalya Zholudeva.
How to live happily and in harmony with yourself? How to learn to love yourself? How to find and keep a man? Want to know the answers to these questions? Then watch the premiere of the new project "Mom Can't Teach This" on weekdays at 12:30 on the MIR TV channel. “Mom won't teach you this” is a tele-textbook on a happy life from the famous female coach Pavel Rakov.