Question to the psychologist:
Hello, I am 34 years old, I have been married for 5 years, this is my second marriage. The essence of my problem is that I am very offended and angry with my mother-in-law and I can’t do anything about these feelings, although I know that I need to get rid of them, because she is my husband’s mother, and I will have to communicate with her all my life. While my future husband and I were just dating, my mother-in-law was in a rather friendly relationship, but everything changed as soon as my husband and I began to live together. I moved in with him, my mother, every time she came to visit, rearranged things as they lay before me. She suddenly woke up to her son inadequate affection, at each meeting she constantly hugged him, kissed him, said "my beloved son, my boy." In my opinion, it was all very pretentious, I understood that she was doing this for me, but I didn’t pay attention until she began to overstep the boundaries. She could lie in the grass and say: "Son, my boy, we are going to lie in the grass with me" or call me with my son (from my first marriage) and say: "Look how I kiss your dad on the lips." The peak was the situation when the mother-in-law, knowing that her son was completely naked (he was changing clothes, I told her about it), pushed me aside and entered the room with the words "So what, he's my son." Moreover, it should be noted that the son absolutely did not react in any way, he simply changed clothes and his mother left the room with a victorious expression. He really could not explain to me why there was no adequate reaction on his part. This is my mother, he did not want to offend her, but supposedly such a case happened for the first time. Then I was extremely unpleasant, there was a feeling that some kind of betrayal had occurred. It was then that jealousy and mistrust settled in my soul, I didn't want to visit them, I didn't want to meet her at all. From time to time my mother-in-law did not forget to me, as it were, between times, to jokingly point out some external flaw in her opinion, I tried not to react, but of course I was upset. At every family holiday, she sat next to her son, and she always tried to seat me further away. My husband allegedly did not notice anything, said that I was exaggerating or something seemed to me. We lived with this until I got pregnant. The mother-in-law's reaction to this news is deathly silence. The husband justified again, well, they say, they did not expect. During pregnancy, the mother-in-law was replaced, she did not intrigue me, did not do me harm. I finally calmed down and thought: this is happiness. But as soon as I gave birth, the war began again, now for my daughter. The mother-in-law does not consider my opinion and does everything in her own way. When I ask you not to give her anything from food, for example, fresh onions, because the child is only 1 year old or strawberries with raspberries, because my daughter is allergic to these berries, she still gives with the words: "I am a little bit." I stopped swaddling the baby early, she believed that it was necessary to swaddle, and as soon as she stayed with her granddaughter, she swaddled her right there, and once with me she simply thrust her hands into the sliders. When I said that I did not need soft toys for her daughter (daughter of 27 years old), she still brought me a whole bag and took it away only when my husband asked her to. Every time we leave them, she tries to lure the granddaughter to her, either by phone or by playing with water, as a result of which the child does not want to leave, starts crying and asks to her grandmother. I get the impression that my mother-in-law simply deliberately leads me to negative emotions. After communicating with her, I am completely crushed. My husband is on my side, but when talking, he always tries to justify the mother, no matter what she does. I tried to talk to her, asked her not to do this, everything is useless, for her my words are an empty phrase. Everything should be the way she wants. The mother-in-law tells us where the bed should be, and where the sofa is, what should I dress my daughter, how much should I give her to drink, etc. When we refuse to eat at her place, she says that we have nothing at home, although I always cook and clean, I never left her hungry, I always offer to eat. Her concern turned into an obsession. All this happens in some periods. Normal, normal, then - bam and gave out! I tried many times to improve relations with her, but all to no avail, as soon as I start to treat her kindly, call her, find out how she is doing, she immediately begins to be mischievous. She listens only to her son, here is his word is law, but then she walks and in every possible way demonstrates her offended mood. The last time after another child's tantrum, I told her everything that did not suit me and said that I was a mother and only I would decide what to eat for my children and what not and what was good for them and what was bad, and she was like a grandmother can help me, but not make decisions for me. The mother-in-law took this conversation as a personal insult, because she cares about us and does everything only for us (she also has a younger daughter. She does not go to her family). As a result, we have not communicated for about a month, but what is most terrible, I do not want this communication. As soon as I see her, it seems to me that my pulse begins to pound in my temples. I don't know what to do with it ... How can I get rid of this resentment, accumulated over the years, from anger at her? I understand that my husband is suffering, he is rushing about as if between two fires, it doesn't make me feel good either, but I can’t curb my feelings towards my mother-in-law.
The question is answered by the psychologist Bashtynskaya Svetlana Viktorovna.
Hello, Tatyana!
After reading your letter, I would like to say that your mother-in-law's behavior is really excessive for you. And you endured for a very long time and were silent.
Yes, she fights for the attention of her son, does it not always appropriate or acceptable to you. Your husband is caught between two fires - you and your mother. It is difficult for him to admit that she is acting inadequately or too oppressively, as it seemed to me, he is trying not to enter into confrontation. And for you it is as if he is betraying your family, as if he is ready to forgive a lot, and this is not entirely true. This is his mother, with whom he built relationships for many years, and changing them is a difficult process.
As for your condition, I feel your indignation, your anger, resentment. And it is important to understand where such strong emotions come from. Why did you fail to establish clear boundaries in your relationship with your mother-in-law?
The last time you communicated with your mother-in-law, you set a framework, you did what you are entitled to. You - the mother - are exactly the person who makes decisions and is responsible for the child. The way you wrote it sounds quite respectful, while you received a childish reaction - an offense. And it's your mother-in-law's choice of how to respond.
Another question is why does the behavior of your mother-in-law hurt you so much? What caused this anger? The fact that she does not consider you, or the fact that you cannot openly express your negativity, or is it anger at your husband for not protecting you? There are many questions, and by answering them and understanding the reason for your emotions, it will become easier for you.
Now - do not force yourself, the fact that you do not want to communicate is natural. Allow yourself, don't blame yourself. When the time comes and you meet her again, try to separate your accumulated emotions from what is really happening at the moment. Defend yourself, talk about what you do not like respectfully: "when you do this, it badly affects the child - ..., can you do it differently - ...". Remind yourself that you are a grown woman, you are a mom, and you can decide for yourself what and how to do, you are not asking for anything supernatural. Do not tolerate it when you accumulate your emotions in yourself, it becomes hard to breathe, they interfere with living fully and adequately assess the situation. Rating 4.28 (9 Votes)
1. "The daughter-in-law must obey the mother-in-law"
- the daughter-in-law is not obliged to obey the mother-in-law, she is an adult and free person.
A mother-in-law who is trying to bend her daughter-in-law under herself runs the risk of ruining relations with her son's family and not seeing her grandchildren.
The mother-in-law also thinks that since she “acquired a daughter” in the person of her daughter-in-law, she has the right to tell her what to do. But adult children are not obliged to obey the orders of their parents, especially not their own.
2. "My mother-in-law will be my second mother"
- if the mother-in-law is jealous of her son and is immediately opposed to the daughter-in-law, then there will be no friendship here. Cold neutrality at best. But, as sad practice shows, such a mother-in-law will do everything to ruin relations in a young family. In such cases, instead of suffering from your mother-in-law's dislike, you need to protect your family.
People can become a "second mother" and "daughter" when there is spiritual closeness between them. If the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are alien "in spirit", then there is no need to suffer.
If a wise mother-in-law and a wise daughter-in-law are both determined to accept and love each other, then the chances of creating good relations are very high.
3. "You can't drag your husband into a conflict with your mother-in-law"
- if the mother-in-law humiliates and offends the daughter-in-law, then the husband is simply obliged to stand up for his wife, and not “hide his head in the sand”. That's why he is a husband, to protect his family, even from his relatives! Otherwise, how will a wife defend her rights as a wife before her mother-in-law, if the husband has withdrawn himself, or has taken the side of the mother?
Some things are better decided through the husband rather than directly. The husband is his beloved son, he can do what his daughter-in-law cannot.
4. "The daughter-in-law is bad and you need to" open your eyes to your son "
- if the son lives with her, then everything is fine. And what does not suit - let them figure it out themselves, do not meddle, otherwise you will be to blame. There are two options here - either he will move away from his mother, who speaks badly about his wife, or he divorces, he will suffer and blame you again. And yet, the husband often gives his wife the words of his mother, remember this, mother-in-law! And then you wonder why your son's wife doesn't want to know you. It's simple: who likes to hear bad things about themselves, and even from the mother of a loved one. By the way, criticism is often unfounded, just from the jealousy and envy of the mother-in-law.
5. "Young people need to be helped"
- help only if asked. Do not ask - do not meddle! Believe me, most of the conflicts "mother-in-law - daughter-in-law" comes precisely from the uninvited, imposed help! “I will teach my daughter-in-law to cook,” the mother-in-law thinks, and she is sincerely offended when the daughter-in-law snorts. The mother-in-law “wants the best,” this infuriates the daughter-in-law. And even if the daughter-in-law is a cook of the highest rank, then for the mother-in-law this is usually not an argument. The daughter-in-law is also unpleasant that her husband's mother considers her clumsy.
And everything is simple: learn to convey information so as not to offend another. If you can’t, it’s better to remain silent. My tongue is my enemy!
6. "Grandma knows best how to deal with children."
- what mother will react calmly to the fact that a grandmother is trying to take away from her the right to raise her child? The mother-in-law has already raised her, so give your daughter-in-law her legal right to be a mother. Learn to promptly prompt, or be silent.
7. The daughter-in-law should live with her mother-in-law and take care of her.
- only if the mother-in-law is bedridden. In other cases, living with a mother-in-law is a nuclear explosion. If you want to save your marriage, live separately. Learn from other people's mistakes!
ERRORS OF THE BRIDE
A daughter-in-law should avoid two extremes in her relationship with her mother-in-law:
1. Neglect the husband's mother
2. Try too hard to please.
And don't have expectations. You shouldn't imagine how your mother-in-law will become your second mother, how you will become a big friendly family and will gather for the holidays. However, the initially hostile attitude towards the husband's mother is also nothing good.
Unfulfilled expectations - extra nerves!
Ultimately, it's great if you have peace and harmony with your mother-in-law at first sight, but as practice shows, alas, this is a rarity.
So, let's look at the extremes:
Mother-in-law - "Get out"!
The daughter-in-law wants her husband to belong only to her.
A huge mistake! In addition to you, the woman he loves, he has parents, friends, hobbies, etc. Usually, jealous wives drive away not only the mother-in-law, but also friends from the husband. And it usually doesn't end well! (Exceptions, of course, are drunk friends, drug addicts, lovers of "going to the left", etc.)
However, if the husband really spends too much time with his mother, and the wife is alone with the children and the household, then what to do? Negotiate, communicate. Explain that now he is a husband and is needed by his family, agree on a schedule for visiting parents, say, 1-2 times a week (month), depending on the circumstances. To convey that now he is a husband and a father, and is responsible for his family. What does he need psychologically divorce mom, will separate. There is nothing wrong with that, it is a normal process of life.
So, dear daughter-in-law, I understand that the mother-in-law can be unpleasant for you, but if her actions are not out of the ordinary, you will have to endure. Congratulate on the holidays, ignore the teachings and whining "INTO my son has lost weight."
Dear daughter-in-law! Believe me, not every mother-in-law is a snake and a monster, she just worries about her son as best she can.
Get into the skin of another person!
We are all good at judgments until they were in the place of another person... And we'll behave even worse than he did.
We would have walked as many roads as he did, wept a sea of tears, knocked our feet into blood ... and we would have started talking differently!
Imagine that your beloved son will grow up, get married, and his wife will turn up her nose from you, in every possible way to drive away from her son and ignore. Pleasantly? Yes, it is clear that the young want to separate and live on their own, but will you forbid the mother's heart to worry? You have taken care of him all your life, and now they tell you - "leave me alone, don't go." You call to find out how they live, and they send you. You are to your daughter-in-law with all your heart, and she is to you "all backwards"! Yes, the mother-in-law can be wrong, unnecessarily intrusive. Well, forgive her for that, she is an elderly woman who has only one son in her life! But when grandchildren appear, grandmother will be happy to sit with them, and you can relax.
What to do, daughter-in-law? And, for example, buy tickets to a theater, a conservatory, an exhibition, give it to your husband - let him take your mother out into the world! Let the son devote this evening to his mother, let him give her roses! Let them be together, let the mother-in-law feel that they care about her, love her. The husband is so with you, and the mother is lonely. Let her go to visit her, take her grandchildren, grandmother will rejoice, and while you go to a beauty salon or just sleep. If you, daughter-in-law, find it difficult to communicate with your mother-in-law, then congratulations on the holidays and polite greetings at the meeting are enough. This is her husband's mother, so let him communicate with her.
The other extreme, which the daughters-in-law go to, is that the mother-in-law is trying too hard to please.
This desire is usually based on the "good girl" complex who wants to please everyone and everything. This is the right path to neurosis, because as you know, you can't please everyone. Everyone loves this gold and diamonds.
In addition, the daughter-in-law, who is trying her best to please her mother-in-law, is usually simply not confident in her relationship with her husband and is trying to get his mother as an ally. The daughter-in-law does not admit her lack of confidence.
Overly diligent daughters-in-law completely forget or do not know that building good relations is a two-way process! What, if a person has decided not to love you and does not want to communicate with you, then there is little that can be done... If the mother-in-law is immediately disposed negatively towards the daughter-in-law, then at least break yourself into a cake, but you will not be good for her! Rather, on the contrary, the mother-in-law will intuitively feel the daughter-in-law's strong desire to please her, and will manipulate her. The relationship will boil down to the fact that the daughter-in-law will try to please, and the mother-in-law with a grin will follow her attempts - "well, come on, let's see what happens." This is usually called mockery, but they also mock those who allow themselves to be mocked.
Respecting others and trying for them is a good thing, but you also need to respect yourself and try for yourself! And if you are like a dog, "bring slippers" to your mother-in-law, do not be surprised at the bad attitude. Although she also loves domestic dogs, the harmful mother-in-law loves much more ...
"Legs up and on the back ..."
Have you seen how two dogs - a big and a small one - meet? The little one immediately on the back, legs up, shows the tummy. In animals, this is a posture of submission, and the stronger individual feels his superiority. So, a too diligent daughter-in-law begins to dance in front of her mother-in-law on her hind legs, immediately gives her the place of the mistress of the house, and then wonders why her mother-in-law is in charge. From the very beginning, the daughter-in-law puts herself wrong, and then complains that the mother-in-law suppresses her.
You yourself understand how you put yourself, so it will be. By the way, people respect strong personalities and are afraid of them.
So, dear daughters-in-law, stay on an equal footing, respect yourself and do not be offended.
The fact that the mother-in-law is older and she is the husband's mother does not mean that you are lower in rank!
On the contrary, the wife is more important to the husband than the mother. Wise mother-in-law understand this and do not pretend to be the son's wife (otherwise it smells of incest). And our legislation confirms this - the wife is the first heiress, not the mother-in-law. The Bible also speaks about this - “two flesh in one”, “the husband will leave his parents and cleave to his wife and there will be two as one whole).
Live separately
One of the “best” ways to ruin your relationship with your mother-in-law for the rest of your life is to move in with her. And you never know what she says there, that "there is enough space", etc. The mother-in-law either herself does not understand how difficult it is, or she wants to quarrel with you. So, if you are not a thick-skinned elephant - do not move! Believe me, everyday conflicts alone will be enough to ruin your life. And what about the banal maternal jealousy? The son stops paying attention to his mother, and the mother-in-law (often lonely) begins to be offended and jealous.
In addition, at the age when a woman usually becomes a mother-in-law, her menopause begins. And this is emotional leaps, hormones are raging, poor health. A woman becomes nervous, negative character traits intensify, and then you are also a living reminder of the mother-in-law of her bygone youth, and a commotion in the house. In addition, the elderly are very difficult to tolerate strangers in their space. Although you are the wife of her son, you are new to the mother-in-law, and in fact, still a stranger.
So, if you want to save your barque - rent at least a small room on the outskirts (it's not expensive), but separately!
Forget about borders
What are communication boundaries? This is when you immediately make it clear - how you can behave with you, and how you cannot. That is, there is a line that you do not allow to cross. For example, someone doesn't like it when strangers touch him. And someone doesn't care.
Immediately show the mother-in-law where she should not go (for example, she begins to ask about sex with her husband, she simply crawls into your bed). It is better not to let your mother-in-law into your family's financial affairs, your plans, etc.
So, if you want your mother-in-law to get involved in all your affairs, then:
1. Dedicate her to all
2. Allow me to interfere with everything
If the mother-in-law begins to teach and impose, for example: "You are doing wrong, you have to do THIS!", answer: “And my mother taught me how to do it!”. And that's all, let someone dare to touch your mother.
Take the dirty linen out of the hut
Complain to everyone that the mother-in-law is a bitch, and the “good people” will immediately pass it on to the mother-in-law. War!
But, you can always speak out so that it does not go further. A good psychologist, an anonymous helpline, a confession from a priest will help you. But complaining to her husband's relatives, acquaintances, neighbors about her mother-in-law is 100% that they will pass on to her, and even in a perverted form.
So, dear daughters-in-law, remember:
- live separately!
- make your husband your ally
- you will never be “good” for everyone. To please everyone - from the realm of fantasy.
- be yourself, boldly express and defend your opinions. Love yourself.
- respect yourself. Don't let yourself be insulted and bullied. If the mother-in-law does this, stop communicating with her, this is your right.
- if the mother-in-law is adequate, treat her with respect, even if you do not like her. You don't have to like her either.
- provide the mother-in-law with elementary signs of attention, gifts, - everything that allows you to build good relations in general with any person, and not just with the mother-in-law.
The relationship with my mother-in-law became conflicted when she declared and still stands by her that the wife should go to her husband's house to live. We had a small child (daughter) and I looked after my paralyzed mother and I delayed, saying that for now I'm not ready to live in a house. I LIKE LIVING IN MY TWO ROOM APARTMENT.
After some time, they left me behind and my husband began to live with us in my apartment. Our second child-son was born and he began to get sick at the age of three months .. the mother-in-law again began to insist on resettlement The mother-in-law herself is a very energetic fighting woman, she loves to command and control everyone. As I understoodSHE was going to live in my two-room apartment with her disabled sister and her 12-year-old daughter. I kind of let it go, because both have a comfortable apartment and they have somewhere to go to live. SHE TOLD ME AND THAT YOU WANT THE HOUSE IS LOST, AND I AM A LITTLE FRAGILE WOMAN ... DID ALL THE WORKS, INCLUDING WOMEN
I am not against the help of my mother-in-law, but with 2 small children it was not up to the garden with everything.
When I finally decided to give up for the sake of keeping the family together in order to live with my husband, my mother-in-law said that it was too late ... and her sister and daughter moved to live with her, although they lived separately until then.
My husband lived almost with my mother .... rarely called .... he was rude. I tried to tell him that we were the same family, that mother needed help, but we shouldn't forget about the family
I was finishing my studies ... I had to pass my diploma, the money was needed 10 thousand ... before that, my mother's pension helped out, but she died, exhausted.
I turned to my husband for help ... HE SAID RUDE-TAKE A CREDIT. I EXPLAINED. THAT I AM IN THE DECREE AND I WON'T GET TO TAKE A LOAN. Apparently having discussed the issue with my family, [B] my husband answered my next call: We have no money to teach you. THEN EVERYTHING, WITH ANGRY, HAVE BRING ME THESE 10 THOUSANDS, TAKING MONEY IN FRONT OF THE SALARY.
it was already autumn .. and my husband still lived with mommy ... all the problems had to be solved by herself.
I FILED FOR DIVORCE, GIVEN A PROBLEM PERIOD. HUSBAND STILL HAS COME TO ASK FOR FORGIVENESS AND SAID HE WILL BE WRONG TO LIVE WITH THE FAMILY.
I CRYED, HOPED THAT EVERYTHING would work out.
I passed the DIPLOMA AND STATE EXAMINATIONS, HUSBAND ONE WITH THE CHILDREN WAS NOT REMAINING, ALWAYS DROP THE CHILDREN TO MOTHER.
Someone has no children, but God gave me one more child, there was no divorce, my husband and I made up. WE HAVE A THIRD CHILD, one more son. SLAP UP ADDED. during the year we began to select a house for our family ... ... my husband was eager to live in a house, I was ready to sell my apartment. The mother-in-law set her son up to buy a house next to me, and this is a completely different area of the city. I'm tired of living at the behest of my mother-in-law ...
HOW HAS THE HUSBAND TOLD ME THAT THE MOLE GOT YOU HAPPENED TO EVERYTHING COOKED. I OFFENEDLY ANSWERED THAT I ONE 5 YEARS GOT THE DACHA AND DO NOT COUNT MYSELF WITH A TAPE ... LET THE CHILDREN WALK WITH THE CHILDREN ...
THE MONTH OF MAY HAPPENED AND THE HUSBAND ... HAS LEFT INTO MOTHER'S HOUSE TO LIVE BECAUSE HE IS WORKING THERE ..
MOTHER STANDS THE GOATS AND IT IS NECESSARY TO TAKE CARE OF THEM ALSO ..
..yesterday I GATHERED TWO CHILDREN AND ARRIVED WITH A WHEELCHAIR (IT IS AN HOUR TO REACH) to the house TO HELP IN THE GARDEN. but it so happened that a small child, he was 9 months old, just did not want to stay with anyone and cried ... I endured ... but still went up to my child and took him in my arms ... why should I owe him Then I went to feed him ... and then I had to put him to sleep ... in the new environment he somehow did not want to go to bed ...
NIGHT THE CHILD WAS SLEEPING BADLY, WAKING UP, BREAKING. IN THE MORNING I SAT WITH A CHILD IN THE HALLWAY, SO NOT TO WAKE ANYONE ... because everyone loves to sleep for a long time ... AND THEN LEAVING THE LITTLE CHILD WITH THE LITTLE REST OF HER SEWS (13) AND FOR PUMPERS ... I bought cucumbers and sausages for okroshka.
RUNNING INTO THE HOUSE, IT WAS ALREADY 10 IN THE MORNING, SEE ALREADY INSERTED INSERT
the mother-in-law slept badly and FEELS was in a bad mood in the morning ..
I told about the house that I was looking at for my family with Andrey. THE COCKLOT SUDDENLY STARTED A TALK AGAIN, THAT YOU WERE OFFERED TO LIVE IN THE HOUSE, BUT YOU DIDN'T ... AND NOW IT'S MORE LATER ... THEN I CALLED A LENTYAYAIKA. I DO NOT DO ANYTHING. I EXPLAIN SO THE CHILD Cried THE SAME HE IS VERY ADDICTED WITH MOM ... I THINK I RIDE WITH A WHEELCHAIR IN STORES AND SPEND MONEY. THESE WORDS WERE SO UNFAIR .. I HAVE LITTLE ON HANDS AND THE OTHER CHILDREN WERE ALL NEVER YOU ... ... A LITTLE FEED WITH A MIXTURE ... OF COURSE MORE COSTS IF THE LITTLE BREAST FEEDED LESS MONEY. TO QUIET HER AND SHE WITH WORDS, IF I WAS YOUR MOTHER, I WOULD I fall out, grab a belt and whip me ... BUT I DIDN'T BREAK ... AND THE BABY WAS ON HANDS ...
a disabled sister came out of another room and also began to scold me, calling me arrogant and lazy.
I DO NOT CONSIDER THEIR RIGHT CHILD TILL A YEAR IS MOST IMPORTANT FOR MOM .. AND I FIRST OF ALL TAKE CARE OF THE CHILD, SEEING WHAT HE IS BAD.
they called me ungrateful mother-in-law remembered that I hired someone else's woman (I went to work for two hours), and paid her, but when her disabled sister was walking around, for some reason she was nothing .. YES Galina SOMETIMES COME AND OFFERED HIS HELP .. I didn’t know that relatives also need to pay for driving with a child ..
THE MOTHER-IN-LITTLE SAID THAT WE WOULD LOOK AT YOU HOW YOU HAVE HELPED WITH THREE OF YOUR CHILDREN !!! I never dreamed of having such a daughter-in-law like you!
and that's all about me
I JUST HAVE NO WORDS.
At this time, it was already necessary to feed the child, I nevertheless got out to the corridor and there I calmly fed the child ... and then I packed my things and left with my daughter (4, and my little son (9 MONTHS) in a stroller home. MIDDLE SON (3 YEARS OLD) ) = DAD'S PET STAYED IN THE HOUSE. STAYED. They thought that I would obey them and crawl into the garden .. MOTHER'S SON "! I don’t want to live, but I need to live for the sake of my children. I hate my mother-in-law !! SHE WASTE MY LIFE! SHE always turns her son against me !!
Good afternoon.
My question is as old as the world - the relationship with my mother-in-law.
I have been living with my husband for 10 years, married 8. The first daughter was born before the formal marriage. Only three children.
Almost from the first day of our acquaintance, my mother-in-law tried in every possible way to insult and humiliate me. The words "habalka", "come in large numbers here" (I'm not a local) "fool", "hysterical", etc. - this is even the best that I hear in my address. The "hysteric" sounded at the moment when, once again, in her presence I was rubbing the tabletop, quietly brushing away a tear after another insult. At first I tried not to answer. Yes, it was insulting, painful. Husband ... in my presence, I have never heard a word of protection. He says that this is the style of their (mom and sister's) communication style. That you should not pay attention to it. I tried to help them. When they worked and did not appear in the village where we live, I looked after and fed their animals (2 dogs and a cat). With the third child, at the eighth month of pregnancy and two not very big elders, I walked along the track in the snow, because "The animals are not to blame." The husband was on a business trip. But this is really my opinion, an animal should not die of hunger if the people who sheltered them left. It so happened that all these animals at one point moved to live with us. And then one day a cat comes from the street and I understand that he is dying. I grab it and run to the vet, but he dies on the way. I am accused of "killing" him, "not loving" him. Again, everything was accompanied by rude words. My breast milk was gone then. The child had to be transferred to the mixture. For ten years of living with her husband, she acquired acquaintances. All unanimously say that this is the style of their communication. That they all screamed and insulted each other. BUT such communication is not to my liking. Over time, I began to resist, no, not an insult, but I raised my voice. The last "I wish you to stand ..., at ... (the second child) the eye began to fester ...". By coincidence, three days later, we had a medical examination (planned) with an ophthalmologist. And what? It’s just the eyesight problems of ... By accident? I know that she, even before me, cursed her son (my husband). I all understand that you cannot change it. We live in the same village. It's good that not in the same house. But ... I began to notice that "I was drinking" my husband, "and what she said," "and when will it end," "and why does she hate me so much." I’m afraid that the children, whom we are trying to protect from squabbles and disputes, will also start talking nasty things about my grandmother. How can I protect myself from her? How to restrain yourself and not show your pain and resentment at her insults? Tolerate? the strength is gone. Limit communication? they have keys, they are used to coming when they want it, without warning. We tried to hint and talk to them. Useless. They had this way even before me and it seems that they are not going to change anything.
Mother-in-law. She was married. When my husband was 13 and his sister was 9, their father, her husband, died. She was no longer married. Always worked. And then and now. Sister (1 year younger than me). 5 years ago I met a man via the Internet. His mother's condition for marriage was pregnancy. She got pregnant, they got married. Relations with the mother-in-law did not work out there either. Now the child is almost 4, divorced 4 months ago. I must say that by the time my husband and I met, I had my own two-room apartment, a prestigious job, a good position and a salary 2 times more than his. Even when I worked between the birth of my first and second child, my salary and position were above. At the same time, they reproach me for not working now (for the youngest child 3). I would like to pick up the children and leave. Long away. So that they had to first negotiate with us, and then come to us. But my husband doesn't want to, he was born here. And I love him. All conflicts with him are only regarding the relationship with his mother and sister.
Hello! I have a very difficult and incomprehensible situation in my family. Problems with the mother-in-law. I married a loved one. The husband turned out to be a good father, he helped in everything. The mother-in-law, who lived at that time with her husband's brother, her other son, sold her apartment and gave him the money for trading, and went to live with us.
On the first day, she made a scandal, which came out because of what. Exhausted by insomnia, I washed the diapers and prayed that the children would sleep longer, they still had to have time for them to cook, wash and iron dinner for adults. The mother-in-law, who loved to chat with her friends, at that moment began to call them. I asked her to speak a little more quietly, very politely, without any clues. What started here! She shouted: “I am the same as you, mistress, and do not h ... tell me! Higher children, so that my son can be milked, he will be in slavery all his life! " And the children woke up crying. I took both in my arms and began to walk around the room. In the evening, my mother-in-law began to slander me to her husband, crying that her life would end in a nursing home.
My husband, a gentle, kind person, at the sight of his mother's tears, began to get nervous and reprimand me that, they say, it was possible to give in to the old man and not bring the matter to tears and abuse. He asked me not to forget that this was his mother, etc. When he went to work, and I stayed with my mother-in-law and children, she, as I now understand, very subtly played her thoughtful game. She said nasty things, insulted. Looking into the pot, she announced: "Soup called b..wotin" or so: "My g ... oh looks better than what you cook."
She told my husband something completely different in her room, moreover loudly so that it could be heard. I understood that her lies would anger me. She said: “I don’t know, Sasha, I don’t know how to please her. I wash the dishes and wash the diapers, I call her "daughter", and she answered me: "What kind of daughter am I?" I swear to you, she never called me daughter. Only "lousy skeleton" or "zap.anka". But how can I be complete if I'm like a squirrel in a wheel, spinning all day with two children? Before pregnancy, I was stout. The question is not even my offense, as I am in appearance, this is what I am, but that I can be left alone with two one-year-old children because of her.
My husband changed a lot to me, began to drink. It is not clear where he spends the night, and the mother-in-law begins to feel sorry for him when he comes: "My unfortunate boy, they brought you, you are running out of the house." Once again, my husband did not come to sleep. Having suffered with the children, upset by Sasha's absence, I went to my mother-in-law. She lay with a cigarette and read a love story.
“Please, let's talk,” I said. In response, smoke in my direction and silence.
- Nina Pavlovna, don't you feel sorry for your son Sasha, if not your grandchildren? He hadn't drunk at all before. Well, what should we share with you? Let's make up, I beg you. I love Sasha, I have no one but my family. I don't remember my mother, please replace her for me. You are getting old, anything is possible, I will never refuse to help you. Only you can help me now. I am on the brink, I can no longer understand anything, how I fly into the abyss.
Here she told me:
- I'll stand up to my throat in blood and, even if you give birth to five more children, I won't let Sasha live with you.
But why? What did I do to her? And how can I be? Thanks!
TheSolution therapist's answer:
When your mother-in-law was intriguing against you - this is sign number 3 from Pathological deceit (deceit, deceit, intrigue)
When she spoke out loud to your spouse that she calls you a daughter, she treats you well, but in fact it was different - this is a pretense of feelings, in other words, hypocrisy. These are, respectively, signs no. 1 from the checklist of signs of psychopathy: (deceptive charm, hypocrisy) and no. 6 (superficial emotions, feigning feelings)
When the mother-in-law said, in response to your sincere request for help and reconciliation, “I’ll stand up to my throat in blood and, even if you have five more children, I won’t let Sasha live with you” - these are signs number 5 (this is an inability to experience higher moral feelings - compassion, empathy, regret, guilt and shame); No. 7 (callousness, cruelty, lack of empathy, coldness, contempt, inattentiveness towards other people) and No. 21 - thinking over and applying behavior strategies with the aim of deceiving and misleading. Misleads your husband, of course.
When your mother-in-law insults you, this is sign # 11 from the list: poor behavioral control (violent expression of negative feelings, verbal abuse and inappropriate and unacceptable ways of expressing anger)
Your husband is faced with the daunting task of caring for his mother: she is apparently not very healthy mentally.
It is advisable for you to talk with your spouse, having thoroughly prepared, explaining the problem to him. Perhaps he has not heard anything about personality disorders and mental illness, and does not suspect that his mother's behavior is very abnormal. Moreover, he may not believe in her ability to hypocrisy. Try to gather evidence of her problematic behavior (secret videos and audio recordings) to show your husband what is really going on behind his back. Perhaps he, too, will be concerned about the mother's mental health and consult her with a good psychiatrist. You, as family members, have the right to write a statement to the district psychiatrist at the place of registration with a request to examine your mother-in-law.
If you read the article about you will see what happens, and there are psychopathic syndromes (similar to psychopathy), which are a mask for serious mental illnesses (for example, schizophrenia). Only a psychiatrist can distinguish this, and not immediately. Sometimes he observes a person for several months when he sees a state bordering between psychopathy (personality disorder) and schizophrenia. They have different thinking disorders. In any case, the aggressiveness of such people will have to be adjusted with pills. And what pills you need to drink and in what situation - this can be said by a psychiatrist. Find out from a psychiatrist whether it is dangerous to live with her, what pills she needs to drink with an increase in aggressiveness.
If your mother-in-law is diagnosed with a personality disorder, then you and your husband will have a hard time.
Psychopaths need compliance from loved ones. They do not have sensitivity, morality and morality, their goal is exclusively financial gain. In your case, you will have to understand what is its material benefit? What does your mother-in-law really need from you? And do not rely on conscience, psychopaths do not have it. Psychopaths can harass loved ones for selfish purposes, such as an apartment, registration, or money. If you say that your husband is a gentle and compliant person, perhaps her goal is to manipulate him. Maybe - make it so that you can live at his expense, putting you and young children out of the apartment after a provoked divorce. She doesn't have her own apartment.
If she turns out to have something like schizophrenia (or another mental illness from this spectrum), then she will need to make sure that she does not miss taking pills. It is important to monitor this so that the personality defect does not grow and the strangeness in her behavior does not increase. Perhaps you will have to deal with the issue of her separate residence (in a separate apartment or house) and daily supervision from you and from your husband.