Have you been living together for five years, but you won’t call for marriage? Or is he married and does not dare to leave his old / sick wife? And if everything is not so critical, just the relationship has cooled down, do you want to revive the marriage? Many women in such different situations find the same way out - to give birth to a child. It is customary to think that men are ready to move mountains for the sake of their children, they will not be able to live a day without them, and, therefore, they will not leave you either. But often such girls soon regret their decision and remain single mothers. Is it still possible to keep a man with the help of a child?
Three scenarios - three destinies
Psychologists have long classified the possible patterns of behavior of men who are trying to keep with the help of a child. We will recall them with examples from three different life stories.
Scenario 1: I'm not stupid!
Sveta had been dating him for three years, the feelings were strong, still school love. But the guy remained too independent, and did not think about the registry office. The girl was already tired of asking when the wedding was. She decided to push the man to take a decisive step. And she succeeded, but this step was very unexpected.
She got pregnant secretly from him, stopped drinking birth control pills. When she announced her pregnancy, he was furious. "I'm not stupid! You don’t need to decide for me when I become a father and husband!” - with such words he collected things. Resentment did not allow him to return even when his daughter was born. Pays alimony, but saw the baby only a couple of times.
Scenario 2: I will leave my wife
This is such a common promise that for some reason mistresses of married men believe in it. Is your wife old, sick, nags and demands only money? But why then does he return to her every day, why does he spend the weekend with her and the children, buy a new house and make repairs in it, go on vacation? Because he loves his family and will never leave her, and the young passion is on the side - the consequences of a middle age crisis. She's just a pretty toy, he doesn't take her seriously.
“Well, for the sake of the baby, he will definitely leave his family,” thought Victoria, a 20-year-old student who was madly in love with the “married man”. But her parents met her from the maternity hospital, the married man never became the father of her son, he only helps financially and no longer promises to leave his wife. The conclusion is this: if a man wants to get a divorce, then he will do it without a child, and if not, he will not leave his “nest” with his beloved chicks.
Scenario 3: Endure, fall in love
"Yes, the child is not a joke, I will not leave my blood, somehow endure, fall in love," Victor thought when he found out that the unloved girl was expecting a baby. They had already broken up when she informed him of the pregnancy. Her plan worked! The indifferent guy instantly turned into a caring future dad. But it didn't last long. He did not leave his family, his conscience did not allow him, but he did not become an excellent husband either. While his wife was with the baby, he went to bars, first with friends, and then with girls. So they still live, he loves his son, and his wife is an empty place for him. She would, and she herself be glad to get a divorce, but he said that he would not give the child to her.
Dad reluctantly
So, most likely, a man will not stay with you just for the sake of a child, he did not want a baby, he did not plan to build a family with you, he is not ready to become a father. But if the relationship was "about the case", then the birth of a child is like a catalyst, this situation will immediately give out a man "with giblets", will show his real attitude towards you. There is love - then he will not be afraid, but only if you did not try to deceive him. Men are freedom-loving and polygamous by nature, it is not easy for them to say goodbye to a single life. But if he has serious intentions, he simply does not have enough courage, then the birth of a child is too radical a step to push him to decisive action.
Even a good and loving husband is not always able to become an ideal father. What kind of dad do you dream of for your child? Caring, loving, reliable, the one who has tears in his eyes at the first meeting with his baby? Then you should not make a “dad involuntarily” out of a man, the decision on the appearance of a child should be made only together. The kid is not a bargaining chip, this is a new life, a defenseless person who needs the most sincere love. A family should not be created with the advent of a child, the baby should be born in a strong family.
So, is it possible to keep a man with the help of children? It is possible, but only if your man is conscious and decent. But he will not love you again because of the baby, be honest with yourself. And is it worth thinking about procreation if your relationship with a potential father has exhausted itself? Do you need such a family, and would such an act be meanness towards a little baby?
What do you think, is it possible to keep a man with the help of the birth of a child, would you do this, and is there a future for such a family?
Question to the psychologist:
Good day! About six months ago, I started an affair with a married man. To my worries about this, he replied that, in fact, he and his wife live together only for the sake of small children (there are three of them, the oldest is 6 years old), he soon divorced and we began to live together. At first, the ex-wife “physically could not see him,” so she even refused to communicate with the children. But then it got better, more or less. He began to spend with the children first one day off, then both, sometimes, if possible, on weekdays after work, he also went to them, but in the evening he always returned to me. And during the day, we were also in touch all the time, as they say. Some time ago, he felt a sense of guilt in front of the children, and the thought “I must be there” began to flicker more and more often, especially since the children are small a) he does not see how they grow up and do something important for the first time (for example, the younger one began to walk without him) b) it is physically difficult for his wife alone with three children, especially in winter, when they need to be dressed in a thousand clothes, the stroller is heavy, there is no elevator in the house, there are a lot of them - you can’t keep track of everyone, after all, life is still ... So he decided to come back and help with the kids. I understand that it sounds naive, but there is (so far) no reason to think that he returned not only to his children, but also to his wife. He suggests how to meet in the evenings after work at the beginning of a relationship, but I can’t do that - I feel like a lover in the bad sense of the word. And I can’t live without him either, I tried to stop communicating and start moving on. He says that it is temporary, although, of course, it is not clear how much. And in any case, everything happened to him, family, children, but I don’t. I am afraid that I will wait for him and lose my life (and that he will return fully to the family). And I’m afraid, on the contrary, to lose what we managed to build, Penn has never had such a harmonious and comfortable relationship for me before. According to him, so does he. Now we're both crying and don't know what to do. I see the exit, everywhere a dead end.
The psychologist Pak Julia Leonidovna answers the question.
Good afternoon, Marusya.
Let's start from the end. There is always a way out, and if you look closely, there are even a few of them. The first thing I want to draw your attention to is your emotions and feelings. Are you feeling guilty? Are you afraid to be alone? Are you scared that your man won't come back? ... Where there is fear there can be no love. Now I mean self love. What is self-love and why did I start telling you about it now when you have a real problem (you think). Because the reason for this situation is in relation to oneself and understanding the purpose of a woman. What do you think is the main purpose of a woman? BE HAPPY!!! (If your upbringing has a lot of masculine, you will protest, this is not bad).
We are told from childhood that we must obey our parents, study well, must ... must ... only this does not bring happiness, only fatigue, disappointment and resentment. If girls were told from childhood that she really should just be happy ... This is the only task of women, to be filled with happiness and love. Such women do not harbor grievances, such women marry a WORTHY. Such a woman does not yell at her husband and children. Such a woman does not come up with problems out of the blue, does not get tired, and if she gets tired, she knows how to relax and gain strength. It is important to be happy no matter the circumstances. Whether married, single, with or without children, with an apartment, a fur coat, a car, or without all this.
Marusya, the choice of a husband is the most important choice in a woman's life. And not because she chooses a father for her children, but because she chooses the one for whom she will want to go through life. A woman inspires a man and shows the way to go, and a man gives the result in the form of actions and decisions. A woman admires her man, extols him, gives him her feminine energy, and he, in response to her, is the result of his actions: flowers, gifts, romance. A woman gives a man pleasure by receiving gifts, flowers, romance. And the man gives her his last name, seed, shelter, family. Of course, you can start from the opposite, first sex, cohabitation, and then everything else, but this usually leads to a psychologist's office, because the main values \u200b\u200bof the man were not recognized ...
When two people remarry, having children from the previous one, on the one hand, this is wonderful. After all, they decided not to stay forever in the past, but on the contrary, they are ready to start a new life and try to build new relationships from scratch. On the other hand, everyone still has a past, and in the face of children it reminds of itself every day, requiring additional attention and love. Can children from a first marriage become a serious problem for a new relationship?
You need to start thinking about how to avoid possible problems associated with children from former spouses from the moment you meet a new potential partner. Have you just found out that your friend has children from his first marriage? So, it's time to carefully read our advice.
Both a man and a woman, having decided to connect their lives with a person who already has children, should be prepared for the fact that at least one concern in their life will become more. However, as the experience of psychological practice shows, women and men look differently at the fact that an additional cause for concern will appear in their lives.
Mistakes of spouses in relationships with children from their first marriage
If a man connects his life with a woman who already has children, then he will have to exist with them under the same roof. And this will happen, most likely, in addition to his desires - children, as a rule, after a divorce, remain with their mother. So that life in a new family does not become a burden for everyone, let's consider how, from a male point of view, he should treat the children of his new companion.
Who the child will become in a new family depends only on adults
Typical misconceptions of men
- Misconception #1
The man begins to think: “In her life now the main thing is me, and her child must obey me unquestioningly,” and as a result he receives violent resistance from the child. How to fix the situation?
At the very beginning of your relationship with a woman, you need to be prepared for the fact that you are unlikely to become her No. 1 family member, in real life this happens extremely rarely. More often than not, the most important place in a woman's heart is her child. No need to try to radically change something, just try to take this state of affairs for granted. In addition, there are many examples that over time, both the child from the first marriage and the second spouse become equal members of the new family, and how quickly this happens depends on everyone, including the man. Be patient!
- Misconception #2
The man thinks: "Since a new love has appeared in her life - me, her manifestations of love for the child should not be as strong as before." As a result, the child develops insane jealousy towards the mother. How to proceed in this case?
It is very difficult to get rid of the jealousy of a child (at whatever age he may be), and this must also be accepted. Yes, this is quite understandable: after the divorce, the mother was left alone with the baby, and her attention and care went exclusively to him without a trace. Why now have to share them with a complete stranger? Winning the trust and sympathy of a child, especially if he maintains a good relationship with his father, can be very difficult.
However, nothing is impossible, and gradually it may well happen. Do not oppose yourself to the son or daughter of your new spouse on the principle of "Either I, or he (she)". With a greater degree of probability, your girlfriend will prefer the child, so give him the opportunity to get used to you, spend more time together, communicate.
Be sympathetic to the fact that the mother still hugs and kisses her baby before leaving for kindergarten or school, in the morning after waking up or in the evening before bedtime. Receiving his portion of tenderness, the baby will not object to his mother treating you well.
There are no winners in a family fight
- Misconception #3
Some men think: “A wife’s child from her first marriage should respect me only because I am a man and I am older!”
Unfortunately, this principle usually “does not work” in life. A person at any age understands that people are different from each other, and it is not necessary to respect everyone in a row, especially if this is a stranger, from his point of view, a person. The wariness in relationships, and the rejection of new responsibilities, and sometimes a sharp denial of changes in life, up to open protest, are quite understandable.
Of course, respect for others is important for a man, it raises self-esteem in his eyes. But respect still needs to be earned, and this will happen when a man with his deeds and deeds can convince the young man that he is completely worthy of it. Persuasion and verbal arguments, as a rule, have no power, but real help and support in some difficult situation can significantly speed up the process.
Imagine a boy needs help fixing a broken toy or taking him to a football match. His father rarely sees him, and here he is - an opportunity to show masculine qualities and become a new friend for the little man. It is only important to remember that all actions must be sincere, come from the heart, and not with the aim of quickly proving something to someone, because children feel falsehood very well!
Joint hobbies - the shortest path to mutual understanding
Common female mistakes
When women get married a second time, many of them say: “Yes, he has children from his first marriage, I don’t mind their communication at all. Of course, he should see them and help them financially, because he is their father!
Unfortunately, after the wedding, this point of view begins to undergo significant changes. It increasingly seems to a newly-made wife that her second husband devotes much more time to children from his first marriage than to her own (if she also has them). Gradually, financial assistance to children (and what if her first wife?) Becomes for her an unfortunate hindrance to the family budget. There are also other problems, which we will discuss in more detail.
“I think that he meets too often with his ex-family and spends a lot of time with them”
In this case, most likely, we are talking about jealousy. Even the mention of the child's name annoys you? Does it seem to you that spending the weekend with your son or daughter from your first marriage, your husband is less and less with you and moves away from you? Yes, you are jealous. And this is understandable - before the wedding, it seemed to you that nothing terrible would happen if the husband and his children from his first wife would see each other. However, over time, it may begin to seem to you that the husband is simply taking precious time away from a new family in which he could spend time with you.
Try to look at the situation with different eyes and talk heart to heart with your husband. Discuss with him in detail his plans for further relationships with children. How often is he going to devote weekends to them? Are you planning a vacation trip together? What amount from the family budget do you agree to regularly allocate to support your husband's children from his first marriage? When all the omissions and reticences are cleared up, your life will become much easier, and you will immediately notice it!
“The husband talks too much with his first wife and talks to her for too long on the phone.”
Jealousy for his ex-wife lies in the unwillingness to accept the husband’s child into life.
Jealousy also increases if the husband actively continues to communicate with his first wife (the option “We divorced, but remained friends”). This situation is especially painful for a woman if the first wife did not marry a second time and now she may well become a real rival. Yes, they have a lot in common with your current husband: a joint rich past, and most importantly, a common child. But don't forget - they DIVORCED. After all, there was a reason for this, and a very good one! Now think - what reason, more significant, could force your spouse to return to his former family? It is unlikely that such a reason exists. Trust your companion, and then your jealousy, often completely groundless, will come to naught.
“We need to give birth to a common child, then he will spend all the time in our new family”
A young husband and wife, even if it is their remarriage, may well decide on a joint baby, and this happens very often. However, there are times when a husband declares: "I already have children from my first marriage, I no longer plan to become a father." And this situation may suit you if you also already have a child. It is a completely different matter when you do not yet have offspring, and you really want to give birth to a baby from a loved one.
Here you can be advised to find out in advance the attitude of your chosen one to joint children. If, even before the wedding, he categorically speaks out against common children, think about whether it is worth starting a common life at the risk of never experiencing the happiness of becoming a mother?
If the husband, on the contrary, warmly supports your desire to become a mother, you should be prepared in advance for the fact that he will not leave the first children without attention. Yes, he will take care of your baby, but he will still give part of his time to older children. And it's best to just deal with it.
Building your happiness, do not forget about the happiness of children
How to avoid mistakes when communicating with a child from a previous marriage
“My new husband has children from his first marriage - just lovely! We get along great!” – today such a phrase can be heard less and less. The realities of modern life are such that its rapid pace does not allow you to delve into building relationships, however, if you want more harmony and tranquility in a new family, try to build relationships with your husband's eldest child.
Nobody forces him to love, just treat him like an ordinary person, albeit a small one for now. Show respect, be interested in what he is interested in, if possible, remain neutral in controversial situations and do not interfere with his communication with his father. Having become older, the child will certainly appreciate the absence of dictate and scandalous episodes on your part.
How to prevent childhood suffering
“Children suffer the most” - unfortunately, this common phrase is very true. The kid cannot protect himself, influence the course of events, force mom and dad not to get divorced and stay together - together with each other, together with him. Instead of the usual, well-established life, he first gets an unhappy, silent mother, deeply experiencing a divorce, and then the appearance of a new, alien person in their life. Mom begins to reckon with this stranger, spend a lot of time with him. And what does the baby feel at this time?
Most children during the period of divorce and establishing a new relationship with their stepfather experience an incredible shock that can have a strong impact on their entire subsequent life. And it will depend on the mother how tangible the consequences of such a shock will be.
In no case do not radically rebuild his life, do not force him to change his little habits. Do not cancel your little rituals - hug your mom, kiss before bed, talk about your business at the end of the day. Let the growing little man understand that his life is still inextricably linked with you, that the new family member is not going to force him out. Let the baby constantly feel your care, attention, and, of course, love, only in this case he will grow up as a sensitive, kind person, able to appreciate participation and warmth.
Video: psychologist consultation
Now the percentage of successful and long marriages has greatly decreased. Every day, the media announces new divorces and separations of such seemingly wonderful couples. Yes, and in our own home, we catch ourselves thinking about all the delights of freedom. What happens, the risk of divorce hangs over every home?! But is the decision to leave the family always a balanced and deliberate one? How often is it just an impulse that breaks destinies and relationships that have been built over the years? Is it possible to overcome the impulse and return to the family, to the wife?
Of the people
Relationships are said to be like a finely crafted china bowl that cannot be repaired after a crack. Like, a chip will always be noticeable and, therefore, relations will no longer be the same. The departure of a spouse causes, first of all, a strong resentment, which is difficult to erase from memory. At the level of reflexes, readiness for a quarrel, scandal and parting for an encore is accumulating. If you leave your family once, you can lose your pass here. Is the game worth the candle? What should be done if a couple divorced in the heat of the moment and regrets it?
As time passes
It is worth assessing the situation when feelings subsided somewhat and it turns out to think sensibly. Alas, many during this time manage to acquire a new family. In this case, returning to an ex-wife is fraught with pain for several women. The current wife must decide on her attitude to treason. Is she ready to forgive this and accept the prodigal husband into the family? The situation, of course, is complex and nervous, but despair should not be allowed if there is at least a chance for the normalization of relations.
Psychologists say
Maybe some of the advice of people in white coats will seem like demagoguery, but in fact the truth is in peace. You need to be friends with your ex. If you understand his motivation and his desires, then you can make contact and communicate on neutral topics. Men (as well as women) have a negative attitude towards pleas and open flattery. You can feel sorry for a person who sincerely wants you back, but is it worth wanting him?
Often marriage makes a woman too domestic. Parting can be regarded as an incentive to change, dye your hair, get a new haircut, change your wardrobe. Even the great Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin said wonderful words that “we are liked by those whom we do not love”. So why not repeat the technique and portray some indifference to the object of your passion? The ex-husband must feel that his wife can slip away, and want to win her back. If the marriage lasted a long time, then the wife has all the trump cards in her hands, she knows her husband inside and out, understands him and guesses his desires. Subservience is not an option, but understanding is the right course of action when a husband wants to return to his wife after a divorce.
It is forbidden!
- If the spouses are in a state of confrontation, then it is not advisable to arouse pity, put pressure on sore spots and constantly be upset. Worrying about a breakup is natural, but constant tearfulness kills a woman in a woman.
- You can not blackmail a spouse, complain to his parents and friends, threaten ruinous alimony. Is it worth once again losing your nerves if they are not dear to your ex-husband? He will not want to return from this, but he may begin to feel hatred for his wife.
- It is forbidden for a wife to use children, blackmail them or set them against her husband.
- You can not lay claim to a spouse if he only thinks of returning to the family. The period of parting is a time for calm reflection on the relationship. If you abruptly break into this gap with claims, then you can finally break up the family.
steps towards each other
It is worth returning to the former only when it is clearly visible that a mistake was made and the gap was hasty. Emotions should go away, negativity should disappear. If the quarrel was trifling, then the reason may be completely forgotten. You should not remember it and once again try to put everything in its place.
Past memories will help to establish contact with his wife. Retrieve old photos and videos, retrieve letters and remember old friends. Surely, over the years of marriage, the husband and wife have forgotten their former selves, and in order to save the family, you can try to remember everything.
Dating can and should be done at any age. Remember how you ran to each other in your spare time? So let it be so now. You can save a family if you revive feelings. Even if the former passion does not flare up, tenderness and sincere warmth will wake up. It is worth reliving previous emotions in order to re-evaluate the relationship.
Getting over a breakup is hard, but it's even harder to decide to get back into a relationship. If the ex-spouse wants to return, then there can be a lot of reasons. In fact, this is the moment when you need to decide on further work on yourself. Is it worth it to adopt a prodigal spouse into the family? Yes, it is worth it, if you clearly understand that this is the best choice. There are many reasons for divorce, but not all of them indicate betrayal. Was there a betrayal? Maybe a prolonged stagnation in the intimate sphere is to blame? Was there a long period of depression? What was the signal for its beginning?
Men themselves sometimes cannot figure out their motives for divorce. It is no coincidence that a third of the clients of practicing psychologists are men after a divorce. They also need to speak out, but they do not go to friends and family with problems, as they want to get a qualified answer and explain their actions.
To summarize all of the above, marriage is primarily a union that is based on trust and communication. Each topic needs discussion, but not idle talk. You can save a family if you pay attention to your spouse's depression, symptoms of sexual disorders, decreased interest in life, lethargy, apathy, and suicidal tendencies in time.
According to statistics, the peak of these symptoms can be recorded in the first, seventh and tenth years of marriage. Awareness of the fallacy of divorce falls on the second anniversary after the official separation. Psychologists have called this period the "Seventeenth Month Syndrome."
In the old days, a large family with a bunch of kids was considered a sign of prosperity and strength of the union of a man and a woman. But modern men are in no hurry to acquire offspring. Find out what scares them.
Loss of independence
There is nothing worse for a freedom-loving man than the loss of independence. A child - especially in the first months of life - makes both parents forget what sleep, rest and entertainment are. There are very few people who are ready to give up these values in their younger years.
The conscious rejection of pleasure is a serious and adult decision. Only a man who clearly understands that no petty whims can equal the joy of communicating with his baby can become a good father.
A responsibility
Many men admit that in the birth of children they are most afraid of the responsibility that inevitably falls on them.
shoulders. Moreover, this burden is not only moral, but also material. And here you can’t argue with the earners: at first, the functions of providing the family with everything necessary are completely transferred to the husband.
But there are a lot of alarmists who disown children with their financial insolvency. Such men can blame all their lives for the fact that they have not yet earned money for diapers, cars, or - take it higher - the education of the future child. Loving parents will always find funds for their child. But if a man himself is stuck in childhood, all the money in the world will not be enough to adequately raise an offspring.
Jealousy
Male infantilism, by the way, is a real plague of the 21st century. The second most popular reason why men delay having children is
fear of neglect from his wife. Such a spouse looks at a rosy-cheeked baby and sees in him a rival in the struggle for the care of his beloved woman.
As a rule, this psychological problem "blooms" after the birth of the first child. A man, accustomed to being groomed and cherished, feels how the little man easily pushed him into the background. Fortunately, in strong loving families, this incident is easily resolved. It is enough for a young mother to involve her husband in caring for the child as much as possible, without focusing on the baby and without removing her husband from any duties. Let your loved one feel that the newborn is your common miracle, and you need to share all the joys and troubles for two.
Difficulties of education
However, sometimes it is the fear of trouble that keeps a man from conceiving a new life. Do not scare future dads
as many endless diapers and sleepless nights as their own inability to grow and properly educate a person. And this is understandable: the responsibility is indeed colossal.
But there is a golden rule for parents: show the child that you love him without falling in love with him to the point of being spoiled. How to implement this in practice is described in a huge amount of psychological literature. Of course, each baby is individual, but it is important to understand that you are not alone. With any of your questions today, you can turn to the parent forums and quickly get friendly and helpful advice from more experienced moms and dads.
Wrong woman
Another reason why a man may not want a baby is insecurity in the woman who is nearby. The chosen one can be a great friend to him, a wonderful lover, but he does not see her as the mother of his children.
Forcing and insisting in this case does not make sense. A man who agrees to have a child under the pressure of a woman will howl and fly away into the sunset at the first difficulty. And it is absurd to hope that difficulties can be avoided. It is even more ridiculous to think that a child is a way to keep a loved one. Giving birth to a baby from a man who sees his future with another woman can make all three unhappy.
Loss of a mistress
Let's be honest, men are great connoisseurs of female forms. And changes in figure and sexual appetite
beloved after childbirth cannot but frighten them.
If this is the only thing that prevents the birth of a baby, such a family can only be envied. A wise woman will look at her husband's fears as an incentive to quickly regain her tone after the birth of a child. After all, what's wrong with turning into a young and slender mother, whose energy is enough to take care of children and pay attention to their father?
Why do men need children?
Let's look at the problem from a different angle. Why do men still decide to have a baby?
As a rule, this decision is influenced by the desire to continue their race. There is no escape from the age-old patriarchal tradition. To a large extent it is
therefore, future fathers dream of the birth of a son. In addition, men see a young friend in their sons: they dream with rapture about fishing together or watching football matches.
Others sleep and see how a little princess will appear in their family. Most often, men who are madly in love with their wives dream of a daughter. The little girl is seen by him as a miniature copy of the woman he loves. Fathers they become no less crazy.
The moralizer's unfulfilled ambitions can, however, take him too far. Often, well-meaning parents try to protect their children from their mistakes. Adults think like this: I didn’t manage to live an ideal life, but my child will make this dream come true 100%. We must not forget that every person - even the most beloved and tenderly protected - has the right to ups and downs.
Even if your man is firmly opposed to the birth of children, do not despair. Talk to him, get to the bottom of the reasons: the true fears of the chosen one can be easily eliminated. Holding hands, a loving man and woman can move mountains. And without wise female support, not a single man can cope with the role of the head of a happy family.